UK lured into the sewer following the £350m promise of a clown

If there’s one thing that most of us can agree on, it’s that you should never crawl into a gutter on the promise of a clown.

Not everyone agrees, though.

Somehow.

And this is how things panned out.

It all floats down here

The UK was wandering past an open sewer when it heard the call of Poundywise the clown:

POUNDYWISE: “Hey, ladies and gentlemen. Wanna come down here and play with my £350m balloons?”

CITIZEN 1: “No thanks. You’re clearly some sort of malevolent, alien entity who’s posing as a clown in order to lure people down to his horror lair. Which is a terrible idea, by the way. If you want to lure people anywhere, the last thing you want to pose as is a clown.”

CITIZEN 2: “Still, though, £350m.”

CITIZEN 1: “He isn’t actually going to give us £350m. He’s just saying that to lure us down to his murder-sewer. If you go down there, he’ll crack you open like a clam and slurp your soul out with his malevolent, alien tongue.”

CITIZEN 2: *SLOWLY CRAWLS INTO THE SEWER*

POUNDYWISE: *DEVOURS CITIZEN 2*

POUNDYWISE: “Hey, friendo – wanna come down here and play with my £350m balloons?”

CITIZEN 1: “Are you for real? I just watched you eat the last person who trusted you.”

POUNDYWISE: “You’re not being very patriotic.”

CITIZEN 1: “Since when has ‘patriotism’ meant blindly following the promise of some clown who clearly doesn’t have your best interests at… oh wait… now I remember. That’s always what ‘patriotism’ has meant.”

POUNDYWISE: “Yup. Now come here and feel my balloons.”

IT follows

And so, despite incredibly recent history, we are once more having to warn people:

DO NOT TRUST THE PROMISES OF A CLOWN.

Even if said clown has a funny name. Like Poundywise. Or BoJo. Or Boris.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via The Nerdist