May to be replaced by ‘pair of flaming underpants’ at future PMQs

The government has announced that a “pair of underpants (on fire) and the entire Manchester City defence squad” will replace Theresa May at Prime Minister’s Questions (PMQs) as of February.

The move was organised by the Secretary of State for the Department for Universal Narnian Communications and Exchanges (DUNCE) – a large, Victorian mahogany wardrobe. It is thought to have come off the back of May’s performance at PMQs on Wednesday 24 January.

Wales, Wales, Wales

While Off The Perch gossiped about at the Star and Garter pub in Kentish Town, Jeremy Corbyn attacked May over the NHS crisis during this week’s PMQs. The angry Labour leader said:

EAT THE RICH!!! NATIONALISE EVERYTHING!!! DOCTORS, NURSES, PERFORMING SEALS!!! [inaudible muttering about ‘red flags’] SMASH CAPITALISM!!! STATE-PROVIDED EXTRA LARGE MARROWS FOR ALL!!! [inaudible muttering about ‘allotments’].

To which May responded:

Does the Leader of the Opposition forget that in Wales over 15 million people are currently on waiting lists for breast implants? Or that in Wales over 12 million people are currently on waiting lists for male enhancement surgery? Or that in Wales nearly seven million sheep are currently on waiting lists for laser eye surgery? Or that in Wales…

May was cut short by Boris Johnson loudly singing a rendition of L’internationale. To which Corbyn responded:

COMRADE JOHNSON!!! JOIN US TO BRING DOWN THE BOURGEOIS AND RESTORE THE PROLETARIAT TO ITS ONCE PROUD GLORY!!!

To which May responded:

Does the Leader of the Opposition forget that in Wales…

At this point, the PM was bundled out of the chamber by the Permanent Under-Secretary at the DUNCE, Aslan the Lion, and some pixies.

Jobs for the parrots

Off The Perch has learned from some bloke in the gents’ at the Star and Garter that advising May’s replacements will be:

• A parrot.
• Richard Nixon’s ghost.
• Charles Ponzi’s great grandson.
• Jeffrey Archer.
• A mime artist from Winchester re-enacting the Jim Carrey movie Liar, Liar.

Living in Narnia

Meanwhile, a woman Off The Perch fell over outside a kebab shop on Camden High Street said:

I heard that the NHS has a mass shortage of nurses, that waiting times were through the roof and that the Tories had been caught fiddling the A&E figures! Must be that ‘fake news’ the government are going to be cracking down on. Bloody good job too, I say! Effing Russians…

At the time of publication, it was unclear whether some flaming underpants and Manchester City’s defence would be as good at lying and deflecting as May is. Off The Perch will keep you posted…

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Featured image via The Guardian/YouTube, JoeX/Wikimedia and RonaldPlett/Pixabay