Boris Johnson to be repositioned someplace more suitable

Despite theoretically being the most powerful person in the UK, Theresa May is unable to fire Boris Johnson. Which doesn’t look good, because Johnson is more eligible for the sack than that brain surgeon who turned out to be a donkey in a lab coat.

Despite her lack of strength though, she may be able to reposition him. But where might he be repositioned to?

Bye bye, Boris

Off The Perch has exclusively seen a list of all the areas that Johnson is being considered for. It includes:

• Outer space.
• The sea.
• Someplace imaginary (like Narnia or The Northern Powerhouse).

Obviously Johnson needs a job to perform once there. Potentially this could see him:

• Being used as a scarecrow to ward off all the foreign workers we need (which is basically his job now).
• Becoming the Secretary of State for Being Locked in a Cupboard Without Internet Access.
• Being used to absorb all of the radioactive waste that’s produced in our nuclear reactors (this would be the best option if there wasn’t a slight chance of him turning into some sort of giant-sized Nobzilla).

Fresh Blood

Some people in the Tory Party are calling for the entire cabinet to be reshuffled. Unfortunately, one of the Tories calling for this accidentally used the phrase ‘fresh blood’. This is always unwise in Conservative circles, as over 80% of hereditary Tories are vampires.

The call led to some serious over-exuberance, and in the ensuing rush to the blood bank over £48 worth of damage was caused. All of which was accounted for by Iain Duncan Smith spilling coffee on his breakfast.

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Featured image via PXHere