Houses of Parliament to be converted into luxury flats

Support us and go ad-free

Off The Perch has learned that a radical solution is being proposed for the maintenance crisis at the Houses of Parliament. The whole site is to be sold for development, and the people who supposedly run the country are just going to have to make their own arrangements.

A joint Russian-Qatari consortium has purchased the entire Palace of Westminster estate, for a single British pound –  and a promise from England not to send a football team to the next two World Cup finals. The consortium will be responsible for all development and maintenance costs moving forward.

Robinia Blynde, a spokesperson for the consortium, informed Off The Perch that they expect to recoup the costs of redevelopment within about two years, given the ridiculous state of the London property market. The repair bill is also likely to be lower than first thought as:

Given the expected slashing of EU red tape, we should be able to get away with leaving all the asbestos where it is.

The key question remaining is what will happen to all of the business currently carried out within the crumbling walls.

The House of Lords will now conduct all of its debates on Skype, although some hereditary peers, after being told what Skype is, have complained that they’ll be marginalised due to their remote castles having crappy broadband.

The Commons, meanwhile, will divide into party groups. Corbyn’s Labour will be convening in a community centre in Camden. The LibDems are meeting in Tim Farron’s car. All the SNP members are returning to Scotland “in solidarity with English refugees”, while Caroline Lucas will be leading a series of campfire discussions around the festival circuit. The Northern Irish MPs, overlooked as always, will probably have to be removed by workmen.

Read on...

Support us and go ad-free

The Conservatives will cease to exist as, by the end of next week, Michael Gove will have personally finished the careers of each and every one of his colleagues before himself resigning, citing “a lack of support within the party”.

Featured image via Wikimedia

Support us and go ad-free

We need your help to keep speaking the truth

Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.

Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.

We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.

In return, you get:

* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop

Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.

With your help we can continue:

* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do

We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed