Breaking: Tom Watson rewrites Labour’s Clause 4 to read ‘sit down and shut up’

Support us and go ad-free

The Deputy Leader of the Labour Party has announced today that Clause 4 of the party’s constitution will be changed to read simply: ‘sit down and shut up’.

In 1918, the original Clause 4 committed the party to supporting workers’ rights and public ownership of key institutions, stating:

To secure for the workers by hand or by brain the full fruits of their industry and the most equitable distribution thereof that may be possible upon the basis of the common ownership of the means of production, distribution and exchange, and the best obtainable system of popular administration and control of each industry or service.

On becoming leader in the 1990s, Tony Blair convinced the party to amend this clause. The move was viewed as New Labour’s capitulation to Thatchernomics. The new text read:

A dynamic economy, serving the public interest, in which the enterprise of the market and the rigour of competition are joined with the forces of partnership and co-operation to produce the wealth the nation needs.

And we all know how that went. (*cough… Global Financial Crisis)

But now, a new change has been made.

Read on...

Support us and go ad-free

Watson made his revisions to Clause 4 unilaterally, bypassing Labour’s ruling National Executive Committee (NEC) – which he dismissed as a “Trotskyist front” after six new left-wing members were elected on Monday. He announced the changes via megaphone, stood atop a soapbox at Speaker’s Corner in London’s Hyde Park. Largely ignored by passersby, Watson shouted:

Infamy, infamy! They’ve all got it infamy!

On realising his message was failing to hit home, Watson grabbed a passerby and screamed directly into his face:

Do you not understand?! These left wingers are taking over our party! If we don’t stop them…

Watson paused for a moment, seemingly searching his mind for possible consequences:

They’ll…you know…do all that left wing sh*t!

Still, no one would listen. At this point, Watson removed all of this clothes and performed a Haka-style war dance upon the soapbox before declaring:

You lot are as bad as the Trots! Perhaps you ARE all Trots?! Who even knows how deep this conspiracy goes?!

There’s only one thing to do. I’m rocking this like Ian Austin. Henceforth, Clause 4 of the Labour Party constitution will read: SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!

Watson was unable to pass further comment as police moved in with blankets and Horlicks, in hopes of pacifying the Deputy Leader of the Labour Party and removing him from public view. He is being held at Charing Cross police station until such time as he can eat his Farley’s rusks without spitting them all over the cell.

Featured Image via Wikimedia

Inspired by a Facebook post by Alex Nisbet.

Support us and go ad-free

We need your help to keep speaking the truth

Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.

Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.

We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.

In return, you get:

* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop

Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.

With your help we can continue:

* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do

We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed