Following that awkward first week back from the summer break, Theresa May has worked out a way of avoiding all criticism – namely by refusing to say or do anything which could be criticised.
Or by saying or doing anything which could be praised.
Or indeed by saying or doing anything at all.
We spoke to one of the PM’s senior advisors to find out who came up with this latest Tory masterstroke:
Theresa used to look at David Cameron and think ‘crikey – if gammon face can handle it, being PM must be a piece of cake.’ That’s why she spent her summer break not planning anything – thinking she could just come back and zing that Corbyn chap with some top jokes and chill.
What she failed to realise, however, is that ‘gammon face’ did so well because his skin is so incredibly thick. Almost as if it actually is made out of gammon.
Unfortunately, when we returned and declared we had no plan for Brexit and only half an idea for reinstating grammar schools, the public went off their heads, and started shouting ‘did you pull that nonsense out of your arses, you hate-spawned pimps of incompetence?’
Read on...Support us and go ad-free
Theresa didn’t like being criticised – not one bit – and so she did what any sensible coward would do, and quietly hid herself in a wardrobe, muttering ‘oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god!’
But enough about that, because right now – for everyone’s amusement – we’ve got some more scenes of bumbling Boris Johnson attempting to make foreign policy. It’s well bants.
Although normally it would be noticed when a world leader makes themselves scarce in the middle of something like Brexit, Labour has once more stepped forwards to deflect attention – the moderates of the party sacrificing themselves like a whale beaching itself in order to draw attention away from a shark attack in the shallows.
The question they should be asking themselves, of course, is who do they expect to roll them back into the sea once the shark has finished?
If you yourself see Theresa May, please do not attempt to approach her, as she may be easily spooked. And we wouldn’t want the PM to do herself a mischief whilst attempting to flee from her responsibilities.
We need your help to keep speaking the truth
Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.
Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.
We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.
In return, you get:
* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop
Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.
With your help we can continue:
* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do
We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?