The week in satire Vol. #44

And what a week it was!

A week in which Donald Trump failed to deprive US citizens of health care! A week in which Donald Trump succeeded in hiring someone even less competent than himself! And a week in which the Doomsday Clock moved that little bit closer to midnight!

But what else happened?

Let’s look back and see!

Murdoch young people are stupid OTPNewspapers which said young people are stupid try telling ex-students that Corbyn said a thing

by John Shafthauer

During the election campaign, the Tories didn’t bother trying to appeal to young people. Primarily because young people don’t vote. Or at least they weren’t supposed to. A phenomenon which led to many opinion pieces in the right-wing press along the lines of:

Young people voting? LOL! They’re too thick for that!

Read on...

A move which did little to warm the next generation of British humans to the failing print establishment.

The lie’s the limit

The gutter press know they need to turn the young folk against all this socialism stuff. Which is why they concocted a sinister plan in the castle where the UK media moguls house their coffins. A plan that would be a game-changer. A plan to…

*DRUM ROLL*

…carry on telling more easily disproven lies!

This time about cancelling existing student debt – something which Jeremy Corbyn very specifically didn’t promise.

CLICK TO READ MORE

Boris claims the ‘cake’ in ‘have our cake and eat it’ was always ‘chlorinated chicken’

by John Shafthauer

When asked exactly what it is the Brexiteers want to do in a recent interview, Boris Johnson said:

Well, we want to be free to do what we want to do.

And we want to eat chlorinated chicken.

Chlorine being the same chemical that we’ve historically used to eradicate germs and soldiers.

To which many people who voted Brexit responded:

Wut?

Things could possibly get worse-r

Obviously, getting rid of all the EU red tape is the aim of the game. But it turns out that some of that tape may actually have been preventing businesses from selling us things like:

  • Flammable radiators.
  • Meat pies in which the definition of ‘meat’ was as broad as you can imagine.
  • TNT lolly pops.
  • Somewhat reliable condoms.
  • Smarties with the word ‘medicine’ written on them.

CLICK TO READ MORE

Fagin employment tribunals OTPEmployment tribunals ‘bad for business’, claim crooked bosses

by John Shafthauer

There is a repressed minority of hard-working people in the UK. And that minority is crooked business owners. The people who are always scraping by – trying to make that extra million – despite the forces of health and safety conspiring against them.

Although things improved for these poor arseholes when the Tories got back into power, it’s looking like things could now go backwards; as employees will no longer be charged for trying to seek justice. A move which could see many employees actually seeking justice.

Outrage!

We caught up with the Tories’ Employer of the Year 2016 – a gentleman called Fagin – to find out more:

I employ over 12,000 workers, my dear. Most of whom struggled to get jobs anywhere else. Primarily because they’re children. Although some of them are also quite sick.

CLICK TO READ MORE

Inside the brain of Boris de Pfeffel Johnson

by John Shafthauer

For a long time, scientists thought that the only creature capable of surviving a nuclear holocaust was the cockroach. They now know that, in such an event, Boris Johnson would be there too – pretending to be an ally of the cockroaches yet simultaneously planning to stab them in the back.

As such, Johnson was subjected to some fairly invasive medical procedures to see what makes him tick. You know – just in case we can use that info to make a race of apocalypse-proof robots capable of surviving the upcoming Trumplear winter.

It’s life, Jim, but not as we know it 

The most interesting thing discovered was the unusual partitioning of Johnson’s brain. Normal people’s brains are divided into stuff like memory and motor abilities. Johnson’s brain, however, is set up to deal with the following areas:

  • TREACHERY: By far the largest part of Johnson’s brain, the treachery hemisphere allows the slippery politician to be constantly considering how he might betray all those around him. ‘All those’ including basically everyone – which is why Johnson has never made a ‘promise’ to the British public he wasn’t happy to go back on.
  • JIBBER-JABBER: To mask his middling charisma, Johnson is able to create new words at will to distract people from his hollow rhetoric. Empty words with no real meaning like ‘mugwump’ or ‘take back control’.

CLICK TO READ MORE

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via Wikimedia  / Wikimedia / PixabayYouTubePixabay

We need your help to keep speaking the truth

Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.

Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.

We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.

In return, you get:

* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop

Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.

With your help we can continue:

* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do

We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed