Evil woman promises to use unlimited power for political good

John Shafthauer

The Conservative government’s EU Withdrawal Bill has passed its first hurdle. A bill which will end the supremacy of EU law, but also give the Tories the sort of power that you wouldn’t want anyone to have – least of all a Tory government that’s inhumanity is only matched by its incompetence.

UNLIMITED POWER!

Speaking to a room full of people who were pretending to be members of the public, Theresa May explained:

Obviously there’s some doubt about what I’ll do with the sort of power that would make Kim Jong-un slaver like a horny pitbull. But don’t worry, because I assure you that, despite my long history of doing only bad things, if given the opportunity to act with impunity, I will strive for nothing but good!

When the bill passed its first test, May said to the same room:

MUWAHAHAHAHA! AND SOON I WILL BECOME PURE ENERGY!

Lexit

Somewhat surprisingly, working class hero Dennis Skinner voted in favour of this horror show. Although it’s not that surprising if you know he still supports Lexit – i.e. the concept that a right-wing Tory government will for some reason deliver a beneficial, left-wing Brexit.

Some have argued that Skinner is merely looking out for his constituents. Which has some merit. Because as we all know, what the North of England needs right now is a Tory government that’s unfettered by the rule of law.

There may be trouble ahead

The only time Theresa May keeps her word is when the thing she has promised to do is terrible. She is not the sort of person who should be given more power. Especially as she is little more than a placeholder Prime Minister, and her potential replacements look like the cast of The Monster Mash.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via Wikimedia

We need your help ...

The coronavirus pandemic is changing our world, fast. And we will do all we can to keep bringing you news and analysis throughout. But we are worried about maintaining enough income to pay our staff and minimal overheads.

Now, more than ever, we need a vibrant, independent media that holds the government to account and calls it out when it puts vested economic interests above human lives. We need a media that shows solidarity with the people most affected by the crisis – and one that can help to build a world based on collaboration and compassion.

We have been fighting against an establishment that is trying to shut us down. And like most independent media, we don’t have the deep pockets of investors to call on to bail us out.

Can you help by chipping in a few pounds each month?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed

John Shafthauer