UKIP blames Monday’s red sun on ‘Marxist, Polish bisexuals who read The Guardian’

UKIP Red Sun Marx
Support us and go ad-free

England suffered a biblical phenomenon on Monday 16 October. A rotund, scarlet object cast a dusken red hue over our green and pleasant land. But while people were dumbstruck by the news, they also noticed the sun had gone a funny colour.

As the tail end of Hurricane Ophelia lashed Ireland and cast Great Britain into near-darkness, much of the population mistakenly blamed climate change – believing that Ophelia had dragged Saharan sand and debris from Portuguese forest fires over the UK.

But luckily, former UKIP MEP Roger Helmer was on hand to clean up the misunderstanding.

As I was sewing in my closet

Off The Perch caught up with Helmer at ‘The Last Resort’ pub in Fingringhoe in Essex, where he was sheltering from the Martian-like sun. It was there that he gave us his exclusive take on the origins of the phenomenon.

“POLES!” bellowed Helmer:

And not just any POLES! The sort who dress in floral shirts and like it up ’em when their wives aren’t looking! They’re all bloody Marxists at that! I’ve seen them! Dirty beasts, with their copies of Das Boot! This is a warning from the Lord! You were warned the Schengen Area went against Scripture!

Off The Perch reminded Helmer that Marx’s famous book was Das Kapital:

Read on...

Support us and go ad-free

Bloody POLES! Putting ‘K’s where ‘C’s should be! That’s a willy woofter habit if ever I saw it! They probably get it from reading damned Owen Jones in The Guardian!

Foul’d stockings

Jones seemed to ignite an ardent fervour in Helmer. His pitch raised slightly as he continued:

My chum David Silvester WARNED you about THE GAYS, too! And look at the flooding last week in Vietnam! He saw that coming as soon as they allowed a man to marry another buggery MAN!

We asked Helmer if he was sure that a severe heatwave which sparked forest fires in Portugal in June that killed more than 60 people wasn’t responsible for the UK’s red sun.

“I’ve TOLD you Philistines before!” Helmer thundered, whipping out his Blackberry 7210 and frantically fingering his Twitter. “Look! LOOK!”

Off The Perch tried to explain that climate change was probably responsible for the Portuguese heatwave, but Helmer cut us off:

The great Bard was right! Ophelia WAS a breeder of sinners!

Get her…

Helmer promptly ordered another Archers and lemonade and pulled a Woodbine out of his tortoiseshell cigarette case. “Get thee to a nunnery,” he muttered under his breath, as Off The Perch retreated into the dusken twilight.

Get Involved! 

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via Pixabay/Wikimedia

Support us and go ad-free

Do your bit for independent journalism

Did you know that less than 1.5% of our readers contribute financially to The Canary? Imagine what we could do if just a few more people joined our movement to achieve a shared vision of a free and fair society where we nurture people and planet.

We need you to help out, if you can.

When you give a monthly amount to fund our work, you are supporting truly independent journalism. We hold power to account and have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence the counterpoint to the mainstream.

You can count on us for rigorous journalism and fearless opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right wing mainstream media.

In return you get:

  • Advert free reading experience
  • Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
  • 20% discount from our shop

 

The Canary Fund us

Comments are closed