The government is so weak it could be toppled by a light breeze. In fact it’s so weak it could probably be toppled by a light spray of Febreze. And the only thing holding it together is Theresa May’s refusal to fire anyone.
The problem is that her ministers are realising how much power this gives them. And they’ve smelled blood.
Off The Perch managed to sneak into 10 Downing Street, and what we saw there shocked us.
The new Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson had instructed the PM to hold up a dart board while he threw fried chicken at it. Although the chicken made for a poor projectile, Williamson didn’t seem to care. It’s “finger-licking funny” he shouted – in between taking hits off some sort of narcotics pipe.
Liz Truss, meanwhile, was drawing giant penises on the PM’s curtains and giggling. Jacob Rees-Mogg was making everyone tea, but using the mid-morning teapot instead of the late afternoon one. This was, apparently, an incredibly rude thing to do. Although not as rude as what David Cameron was doing. The former leader had swung by to gloat about May stealing his record for being the shittest Prime Minister ever.
That wasn’t the rude thing he was doing of course, but the less said about that the better.
We spoke to a human behavioural scientist to find out more:
I usually only work with humans, but Tories are quite similar in some regards.
You’ve got to remember that many of these people were raised apart from their families by boarding schools and wolves. They have no sense of community, but they do have a keen eye for weakness, and they’re ready to pounce on it like a Labrador on a dropped sausage.
It’s quite clear that we can’t have a government that is 90% scandalous. It’s even more clear that such a situation is made worse by the government in question being a Tory one. Because these people can always – always – get worse.
Featured image via Wikimedia
We’re a thorn in the side of the establishment, but we can’t do it without your help
Your fight is our fight. But as many of you will know, speaking truth to power has never been easy, especially for a small, independent media outlet such as the Canary. We have weathered many attempts to silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media. Now more than ever, we need your support.
We don’t have fancy offices, and our entire staff works remotely. Almost all of our income is spent on paying the people who make the Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our team and enables us to continue to do what we do: disrupt power, and amplify people.
But we can’t do this without you. So please, if you appreciate our work, can you help us continue the fight?