Ministers taking full advantage of May’s inability to fire them

The government is so weak it could be toppled by a light breeze. In fact it’s so weak it could probably be toppled by a light spray of Febreze. And the only thing holding it together is Theresa May’s refusal to fire anyone.

The problem is that her ministers are realising how much power this gives them. And they’ve smelled blood.

Silly season

Off The Perch managed to sneak into 10 Downing Street, and what we saw there shocked us.

The new Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson had instructed the PM to hold up a dart board while he threw fried chicken at it. Although the chicken made for a poor projectile, Williamson didn’t seem to care. It’s “finger-licking funny” he shouted – in between taking hits off some sort of narcotics pipe.

Liz Truss, meanwhile, was drawing giant penises on the PM’s curtains and giggling. Jacob Rees-Mogg was making everyone tea, but using the mid-morning teapot instead of the late afternoon one. This was, apparently, an incredibly rude thing to do. Although not as rude as what David Cameron was doing. The former leader had swung by to gloat about May stealing his record for being the shittest Prime Minister ever.

That wasn’t the rude thing he was doing of course, but the less said about that the better.

Inhumanity

We spoke to a human behavioural scientist to find out more:

I usually only work with humans, but Tories are quite similar in some regards.

You’ve got to remember that many of these people were raised apart from their families by boarding schools and wolves. They have no sense of community, but they do have a keen eye for weakness, and they’re ready to pounce on it like a Labrador on a dropped sausage.

National interest

It’s quite clear that we can’t have a government that is 90% scandalous. It’s even more clear that such a situation is made worse by the government in question being a Tory one. Because these people can always – always – get worse.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via Wikimedia