Tories demand firm response to Russians* (*who they haven’t taken money from)

Vladimir Putin smirking
John Shafthauer

As Russia once more seems to have poisoned someone on British soil, politicians are demanding some sort of political action. Unless that action involves returning donations to wealthy Russian oligarchs, of course – a suggestion from Jeremy Corbyn which is just ‘playing politics’.

And after all, politicians discussing politics in the Houses of Parliament simply isn’t cricket.

From Russia with no expectation of anything in return

Several Tories have taken money from Russian oligarchs – money which they’re refusing to give back.

Theresa May gave a speech about why this is okay:

Russia is bad, and we must stand up to it disrupting UK politics!

May then looked alarmed, as she realised she was reading from the wrong speech.

Sorry about that. What I meant to say is that Russians are good, and we must stand up to anyone who says they’re giving us money to disrupt UK politics!

Deadline

Theresa May has given Russia a 36-hour deadline to explain what it’s been up to. A leaked copy of the speech she will give reads as follows:

I was very clear about giving a deadline, and that deadline has now passed. To clarify, a deadline was given under threat of some sort of response, and I am now here to discuss that. As such, no one can say that I did not discuss a response at the time when I said a response would be discussed.

To sum up: deadline means deadline.

It’s likely that the politicians who are currently criticising Corbyn’s lack of a ‘firm response’ will be the first to say fuck all when they hear May’s speech.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via The Kremlin

We need your help ...

The coronavirus pandemic is changing our world, fast. And we will do all we can to keep bringing you news and analysis throughout. But we are worried about maintaining enough income to pay our staff and minimal overheads.

Now, more than ever, we need a vibrant, independent media that holds the government to account and calls it out when it puts vested economic interests above human lives. We need a media that shows solidarity with the people most affected by the crisis – and one that can help to build a world based on collaboration and compassion.

We have been fighting against an establishment that is trying to shut us down. And like most independent media, we don’t have the deep pockets of investors to call on to bail us out.

Can you help by chipping in a few pounds each month?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed