England squad vows to go out in first round as a protest against Russia

An England squad Russia
John Shafthauer

Ever since Russia (allegedly) poisoned a former spy in Salisbury, there’s been talk of how we’ll retaliate. At first, we threatened to boycott the World Cup altogether. Then we said we’d go, but Prince Harry would have to stay home and catch up on Match of the Day.

It wasn’t clear how this constituted a ‘threat’, however, as Harry isn’t a player, and Russia isn’t that keen on royals. Not living ones anyway.

Our latest threat could be another own goal too.

Football’s coming home (early (again))

England manager Gareth Southgate told Off The Perch:

Russia needs to know who’s boss. That’s why – after a series of disappointing performances – we’ll be going out in the group stage.

We asked what would happen if by some strange fluke England actually went through:

Well, if that happened we’d go out in the next round obviously.

But what if we made it to the final?

Losing in the final would be the biggest f-you of all. Unless we won, of course, in which case that would be.

But to reiterate, our original plan is the most realistic – err – I mean best plan. And that’s why we’ll be knocked out early.

Probably.

Putin it on?

When informed of our plan, Vladimir Putin screamed:

NO! NOT THE THREE LIONS!

He then threatened to halt the export of our top Russian import. As said import is radionuclide polonium-210 though, that might actually be a good thing.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image of ‘an England squad’ via Catherine Kõrtsmik – Wikimedia

We need your help ...

The coronavirus pandemic is changing our world, fast. And we will do all we can to keep bringing you news and analysis throughout. But we are worried about maintaining enough income to pay our staff and minimal overheads.

Now, more than ever, we need a vibrant, independent media that holds the government to account and calls it out when it puts vested economic interests above human lives. We need a media that shows solidarity with the people most affected by the crisis – and one that can help to build a world based on collaboration and compassion.

We have been fighting against an establishment that is trying to shut us down. And like most independent media, we don’t have the deep pockets of investors to call on to bail us out.

Can you help by chipping in a few pounds each month?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed