Questions over Tory plan to reduce deaths by cutting doctors

Two men confused by the Tory manifesto
John Shafthauer

Reducing police numbers does not seem to have reduced crime. While this was predictable to most, it turns out the Tories expected otherwise.

Which has now thrown some of their other plans into doubt…

Idiocy is competence

The Tories had planned the following:

Start your day with The Canary News Digest

Fresh and fearless; get excellent independent journalism from The Canary, delivered straight to your inbox every morning.
  • Increase the number of fires being extinguished by firing fire fighters.
  • Decrease the number of people kicking the can by shit-canning doctors.
  • Lay waste to heaps of rubbish by dumping refuse collectors.
  • Grow the number of children getting a decent education by shrinking the number of teachers.
  • Build a country with fewer builders but more buildings by engineering a situation in which engineering contracts were given to Carillion.

Who would a’ thunk it

Off The Perch caught up with the UK’s leading expert on obviousness. We asked her if gutting the number of people tasked with performing a function ever led to said function being performed better.

“Obviously not,” she told us. “What’s less obvious is why you had to ask an expert.”

Continue reading below...

The government has hit back, however, with a spokesperson announcing that:

How were we supposed to know that gutting public services like an eel would lead to a hot, slippery mess?

To be honest, we blame the experts. It’s very difficult to get anything done when they’re constantly warning you about stuff. It took all our energy just to blank them out and do what we planned in the first place.

FFS

Obviously there’s no joy in the Tories being proven wrong though.

Not when what you were right about was the absolute fucking state of this.

And this.

And this.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via Graham Lavender – Flickr (image was altered)

Since you're here ...

We know you don't need a lecture. You wouldn't be here if you didn't care.
Now, more than ever, we need your help to challenge the rightwing press and hold power to account. Please help us survive and thrive.

The Canary Support

Comments are closed

John Shafthauer