Capitalism increasingly unpopular with people who have f*ck-all capital

Man holding out his empty pockets to show he has no money

The Oxford English Dictionary defines capitalism as:

An economic and political system in which a country’s trade and industry are controlled by private owners for profit, rather than by the state.

The problem in 2018 is that the thing private owners most commonly possess is “fuck all”. This means capitalism is a system in which trade and industry are owned by that Sports Direct arsehole and a handful of hereditary land barons.

Which is ironic, as many of those hereditary land barons are Conservative MPs – meaning capital is controlled by the state.

What do we want?

Tyrone Inequalitybank is one of the UK’s many new centrist hopefuls. Speaking at a rally outside a Sainsbury’s, Inequalitybank said:

Capitalism, yeah?

He then proceeded to grin and raise his hands up – expecting spontaneous applause to break out.

Read on...

When the cheers were unforthcoming, a confused Inequalitybank asked:

What’s the matter? Don’t you people like capital?

“We don’t own any capital,” someone responded. “Although I do have quite a lot of debt. Is that the same thing?”

A disgusted looking Inequalitybank shook his head.

“I own these fish fingers,” another customer contributed.

“But not for long,” she added mournfully.

Capitalism isn’t working

Capitalists weren’t wrong in thinking greed is a motivator. They’re just wrong in thinking it’s the only motivator. Or that it has any real longevity.

Real life isn’t like a game of Hungry, Hungry Hippos: not everyone has an equal shot at gobbling the wealth. In reality, some hippos are larger to start with, and it’s the biggest ones that grow bigger – never becoming full – and never becoming satisfied.

This is a problem, because the world is running out of things to devour. And when it’s all gone, either the big hippo will eat the little ones, or the little ones will eat the giant.

Either way though – someone’s gonna get gobbled.

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