Tory Brexit plans are ‘sh*t-headed nonsense’, claim other Tories

Theresa May saying: "The Tory Brexit plan is shit." Boris Johnson replying: "No! It's the other Tory Brexit plan that's shite!"
Support us and go ad-free

Brexit has caused a problem for the Tories. Before the referendum, half the party were saying it would be the worst thing ever. The other half claimed otherwise. And now they have to deliver it – despite everyone knowing 50% of them think it’s shit.

This problem is magnified by the fact that they can’t even agree what Brexit should be. This means the party is torpedoing every proposal it raises in the most spectacular act of self-sabotage since…

…err…

…hmm. There have been so many instances of Tory self-sabotage recently, it’s hard to choose.

Let’s just say the 2017 general election and move on.

Two tribes

The Tories have numerous ideas about Brexit. Most of them are terrible, and several have already been vetoed by the EU. The main two camps could be described as the ‘Leavers?’ and the ‘LEAVERS!’

The Leavers? are demanding the following:

Read on...

Support us and go ad-free
  • Keep things basically the same but worse.
  • Constantly make it clear they’re only doing this because they have to.
  • Use catchphrases like ‘Zumba Brexit’ over actual ideas.

The LEAVERS!, meanwhile, are demanding:

  • Europe be literally scratched off the map.
  • ‘French toast’ to be renamed a ‘Jacob Rees-Mogglette’.
  • Importers to have their ships sunk by our mighty submarines.
  • A land war with Ireland (and anyone else who wants some).
  • Mandatory national service in morris dancing clubs.
  • Resurrection of the Robin Reliant.
  • Creation of a new aristocracy populated by male and female clones of Nigel Farage.
  • Return of the seven-day week and free jobs for all children.

Ugh

Both sides have been publicly letting everyone know how shit the other is. One side will have to win in the end though. And then it’s up to the Tories to implement a plan which Tories have spent several months telling us is dog shit.

Good stuff.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

– Join The Canary, so we can keep holding the powerful to account.

Featured image via Kuhlmann / MSC – Wikimedia / Financial Times – Flickr

Support us and go ad-free

We need your help to keep speaking the truth

Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.

Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.

We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.

In return, you get:

* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop

Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.

With your help we can continue:

* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do

We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed