Canary Workers’ Co-op Canary Workers’ Co-op

Satan loses lucrative DWP contract after failing to meet targets

Satan

The Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) doesn’t handle assessments itself. Possibly because outside organisations are more efficient (they aren’t). Possibly because it shields the DWP from direct criticism (it does).

One of the DWP’s longest-standing contractors has been none other than the devil himself. But a recent review has shown that even he failed to meet the DWP’s targets.

Department for Wailing and Penalties

The review showed that Satan displayed the following characteristics:

  • EMPATHY: 1%
  • REASONABLENESS: 3%
  • REGARD FOR REALITY: 4%
  • LIKELIHOOD TO INFLICT CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENTS: 99%

These scores are way off from the government guidelines, however; guidelines which advise that assessors should show:

  • EMPATHY: -1,000%
  • REASONABLENESS: No.
  • REGARD FOR REALITY: Ideally not. Just take drugs if you’re struggling.
  • LIKELIHOOD TO INFLICT CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENTS: ∞%

Better the devil you don’t know

Satan responded to his unceremonious firing with the following statement:

I’m just surprised, you know? I’ve had a great relationship with the Tories for decades, and it’s a shame to see it go to hell.

Thankfully, I’ve heard that Richard Branson is hiring. I’m not sure if I’m going to apply for Virgin Rail or Virgin Care, but I imagine a lot of fun either way.

Read on...

Dark arts

The DWP also responded. Namely when one of the department’s dark practitioners decapitated a ceremonial chicken in front of us.

It’s unclear who’ll be taking over from Satan. The frontrunners so far include George Osborne’s coke dealer, and the guy who sharpens Iain Duncan Smith’s teeth.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

– Join The Canary, so we can keep holding the powerful to account.

Featured image via Fox – Wikimedia

We’re a thorn in the side of the establishment, but we can’t do it without your help

Your fight is our fight. But as many of you will know, speaking truth to power has never been easy, especially for a small, independent media outlet such as the Canary. We have weathered many attempts to silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media. Now more than ever, we need your support.

We don’t have fancy offices, and our entire staff works remotely. Almost all of our income is spent on paying the people who make the Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our team and enables us to continue to do what we do: disrupt power, and amplify people.

But we can’t do this without you. So please, if you appreciate our work, can you help us continue the fight?

Canary Workers’ Co-op Support us

Comments are closed