The Tories did a lot in the last year. Which isn’t to say they achieved a lot. They were out there, though – getting things done. Just not the sort of things that needed doing.
The Tories split their time in the last sitting of parliament across a few key areas:
- Ensuring every ministerial position was occupied by the worst candidate for the job.
- Ensuring ‘adequate food’ was prepared for after Brexit (allegedly a million tonnes of cheese and onion cocktail sticks).
- Committing, covering up, and resigning from their various scandals.
- Planning new ways of not planning a Brexit plan.
- Identifying problems with the roll out of Universal Credit and ensuring they remained unfixed.
- Apologising for Boris Johnson.
- Preparing jokes for Prime Minister’s Questions to distract easily-duped journalists from the fact that SHE NEVER ANSWERS THE QUESTIONS.
- Thinking eugenics conference attendee Toby Young would be a good fit for the university regulator.
- Hoping no one finds out Jacob Rees-Mogg is a steam-powered Terminator from the Victorian Era who was sent here to restore the Empire.
- Pointing at anything they don’t like and saying “that’s communist”.
What the Tories haven’t done much of is actually governing the country.
Of course, there are benefits to the Tories being off for six weeks. For a start, it’s difficult for them to fuck anything up when they’re not here.
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