Miracle as woman survives ten hours on the Tories’ so-called ‘living wage’

A woman on a stretcher being carried by nurses
Support us and go ad-free

When George ‘economy bro’ Osborne introduced the ‘national living wage’, he:

  1. Took the concept of a ‘living wage’ – the idea that there’s an amount of money a person must earn before they’re not in poverty.
  2. Applied it to a wage that was below this amount.

Despite the fact that it’s impossible to – you know – live off the ‘national living wage’, one woman has somehow managed it.

Although, saying that, lots of people manage it – largely because they have to. This woman was otherwise rich, though, so more worthy of attention.

Ordeal

Camillia Updo relayed the following story of woe:

Due to an error at the advertising company I work at, I was only paid the national living wage for a week’s work – that’s £313! I’d planned on spending that much on Prosecco and tickets to see Mumford and Sons.

I was in the supermarket when I checked my bank balance and realised what happened. It gave me this weird feeling – like I actually had to think about what I was going to spend my money on.

When I subtracted rent, bills, and travel from the £313, I realised I only had £8 left! I asked a shop boy what I could survive on for that little, and he advised beans. I was confused by this, as he pointed me towards some cylinders made of tin. I was later informed that the beans were inside the cylinders, but I’ve so far been unable to liberate them.

Read on...

Support us and go ad-free

All’s well that pays well

After livestreaming herself trying to open a tin of beans with a rock, Updo received help. This help came from a number of wealthy, middle-class types who decided it was inhumane for an actual, proper person to be living under such intolerable conditions.

Updo is now recovering in an East London cocktail lounge.

Faith in humanity restored.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

– Join The Canary, so we can keep holding the powerful to account.

Featured image via British Red Cross – Flickr [IMAGE WAS ALTERED]

Support us and go ad-free

We need your help to keep speaking the truth

Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.

Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.

We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.

In return, you get:

* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop

Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.

With your help we can continue:

* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do

We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed