Traditional English folk outraged as Grayling ‘rules out 30-mile traffic jams’

The government has admitted it won’t be able to do Brexit properly because it would be difficult and things would take too long.

Transport bigwig Chris Grayling has realised that actually stopping lorries at Dover would mean other lorries having to wait around. As this would hit productivity / profits / bonuses / kickbacks etc, it CAN’T BE ALLOWED TO HAPPEN! Because apart from anything else, it would look bad if Brexit turned out to be bad for the economy.

Dismay

But some people are gutted to be missing out on 30-mile tailbacks. Terry Chestnuts, whose Facebook profile says “STOUT KENTISH YEOMAN – REAL ALE – UNIVERSITY OF LIFE”, led the complaints:

Sitting in queues is one of the things we English do best. Give me ten minutes of stationary traffic and I’ll have a game of five-a-side going on the hard shoulder. 30 minutes and I’ll have made some friends for life. If we’re stopped for an hour I might turn the ignition off. You can’t beat it. Normally, everyone just minds their own business. But the moment there’s a bit of snow or a loose dog running around, we all park up and muck in together. I was looking forward to being able to turn a half hour trip to Dover into a day out.

Slick show

However, not everybody shares Grayling’s confidence that there won’t be traffic chaos. Ken Chisel, from the Institute of Criticism, pointed out:

It’s blatantly obvious what’s going to happen here. The government will make all sorts of promises about automation, computerised tracking, automatic numberplate recognition and the like. But then it’ll outsource it to some clowns like G4S, Capita, Serco or a consortium of former Carillion executives and the whole thing will go tits up. It’ll have all the technical expertise of the millennial railcard launch.

In the worst-case scenario, the area round the channel ports will end up like a scene from a disaster movie. But if we’re lucky, the best of human nature will shine through and Kent will just turn into a massive picnic site.

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