Everyone should read this powerful thread on toxic masculinity
With a short series of tweets, one particularly astute Twitter user has laid bare the destructive effects of toxic masculinity.
The writer, who goes by the username @absurdistwords was responding to 15-year-old Twitter celebrity Brent Conner. Conner had tweeted the following:
*Boys get depressed
*Boys get eating disorders
*Boys commit suicide
*Boys get called fat
*Boys get called ugly
*Boys get hit/abused by girls
*Boys get suicidal
*Boys feel painIt’s NOT just girls that go through a hard time, it’s boys too. People need to start realising this.
— Brent Conner (@brentconner_) August 15, 2018
Read on...
In response, @absurdistwords expanded on the issue and laid out his thoughts on the nature of toxic masculinity. The thread, which is worth reading in its entirety, offers up one of the most elegant definitions of the issue and highlights the ways in which toxic masculinity damages society as a whole.
Men without emotional tools
In particular, he points out the way in which constrictive gender roles feminises certain universal human emotions and experiences. We live in a culture where toxic masculinity makes men unable to express emotions beyond anger for fear of being seen as weak and feminine. As a result, we instil in young boys the idea that certain emotional responses are somehow not acceptable for men to express. By doing this, we deny them the ability to ask for help when they’re in pain:
This message is important.
That toxic masculinity has feminized these issues means that boys continue to be told to pretend they don't suffer them and to stay emotionally illiterate.
And we refuse to support them.
And they become men without emotional tools. https://t.co/dLNKrHXd35
— 5'7'' Black Male (@absurdistwords) August 17, 2018
So when boys cry out "I hurt!" in a world where they feel men telling them that to do so diminishes their masculinity and they feel women are telling them that their pain isn't prioritized, it does not leave much practical space.
— 5'7'' Black Male (@absurdistwords) August 17, 2018
This affects men and women
The writer is also careful to not minimise the female victims of toxic masculinity and patriarchal structures. Neither does he advocate for the de-feminising of emotions. Instead, he argues that men need to access and accept the full range of emotions and experiences. We should support men who suffer as a result of impossible gender expectations while at the same time strive for gender equality:
Now it is illegitimate to raise issues affecting boys and men either for the purpose of derailing or silencing feminist discussion.
This has no place.
But the problems exist.
And they deserve attention.
— 5'7'' Black Male (@absurdistwords) August 17, 2018
An incubator for hate
The thread perfectly sums up the negative effects toxic masculinity and patriarchy have on the emotional health of men and women. It also issues a dire warning on how men silenced by these self-destructive tendencies can be easily prayed upon by men-rights activists (MRAs):
We must provide boys with the resources, tools, language, space and safety to discuss their trauma, abuse, fear and pain.
We cannot pretend that the suffering they experience is not real.
Or that there will not be consequences to the unacknowledged pain of a generation of boys
— 5'7'' Black Male (@absurdistwords) August 17, 2018
The Red Pill and other MRA groups twist the real consequences of toxic masculinity into a worldview that perpetuates existing misogyny. Instead of questioning the validity of traditional gender roles, MRAs further entrench them. These groups elevate men who embrace the more destructive characteristics of perceived masculinity. Meanwhile, less aggressive men are shoved to the bottom of the social hierarchy. Women, in particular, and those who do not fit into idealised gender roles are treated with contempt or outright hatred.
These movements, and toxic masculinity in general, are fuelling the rise in far-right extremism as well as violent mass-murders and shootings.
This, as one respondent to the original poster put it, is the dehumanising effect of toxic masculinity:
Once you have been taught to dismiss your own emotions, it is a simple step to dismiss those of others.
— Roger Vaillancourt (@rogerjva) August 17, 2018
It’s not too late
In response to @absurdistwords’ thread some expressed their amazement at the writer’s ability to perfectly sum up the issue:
Thank you for providing such a beautiful response that recognizes the importance of the statement and places it alongside what women/girls experience instead of trying to replace it or devalue it. Very powerful.
— Christine C Pounds (@carlsonpound_c) August 17, 2018
Others drew parallels with their own experiences dealing with destructive masculinity:
This is what killed my ex-husband. As a kid, he was punished any time he cried, and any conflict was “resolved” with a reward. And so anger was really the only emotional tool he had, and the only way he knew to “resolve” conflict. The mariage was abusive.
— Anna ? (@demimondatron) August 18, 2018
My husband is 48. He is just now learning not only how to emote but more importantly that it is ok to do so. Most proud when he cries because he's showing his vulnerability. Big growth for someone who never thought it was for men to be vulnerable
— Bonobobuddy (@Bonobobuddy13) August 18, 2018
Toxic masculinity is detrimental to women and it also negatively affects the mental health of men – in certain cases, it can have deadly consequences. Roughly three-quarters of suicide victims in the UK are male and there’s strong evidence to suggest that toxic masculinity is a primary driver of this behaviour. In order to break this cycle, we need to strive for a more diverse concept of masculinity.
Get Involved!
– If you’re dealing with a mental health crisis, you can call The Samaritans on 116 123 for free, 24 hours a day.
– Support @absurdistwords’ Patreon.
– Support these progressive men’s health organizations like CALM, Grassroots Suicide Prevention, SurvivorsUK, Great Men, Working with Men, The Good Men Project, and the Mankind Project.
Featured image via Gerd Altmann/Wikimedia
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