Tabloids shocked to discover that police cuts lead to police cuts

A confused man looking at an Express front page that reads 'Have police given up chasing criminals?'
John Shafthauer

In future, society will hopefully be a Star Trek style utopia, where the only crime is spandex uniforms. Society right now isn’t becoming more even, though; it’s becoming less even. As such, crime is rising.

Rather than managing police numbers in line with the crime explosion they’ve ignited, the Tories have opted to cut police numbers.

And now – somehow – the tabloids who supported this are shocked to discover that CUTTING POLICE FUNDING MEANS CUTTING POLICE POLICING.

Start your day with The Canary News Digest

Fresh and fearless; get excellent independent journalism from The Canary, delivered straight to your inbox every morning.
FFS

Bile 

The Express has previously encouraged police cuts – claiming that the force was squandering their budget on outreach programmes like:

Rainbow flag donkey rides for disabled human traffickers.

Due to this lack of funding – and the increase in poverty-driven felonies – police are less able to combat crime than ever. When this was pointed out to the editor of the Express, he raged:

So they’re blackmailing us for handouts like the hard-left, anarcho-pigs they are! Well, I’m afraid we don’t give in to terrorists! If anything, we should give them less money!

Monkey see 

As our unpopular government has little option but to do whatever the tabloids say, Theresa May has adopted this position. In fact, she’s taken it further. From now on, police officers will be charged to pursue criminals at a rate of £150 per arrest.

As you can imagine, our lazy boys in blue are refusing to cough up. But you know who to blame when crime increases. Whoever the tabloids tell you to.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

– Join The Canary, so we can keep holding the powerful to account.

Featured image via Ben W – Flickr [IMAGE WAS ALTERED] 

Since you're here ...

We know you don't need a lecture. You wouldn't be here if you didn't care.
Now, more than ever, we need your help to challenge the rightwing press and hold power to account. Please help us survive and thrive.

The Canary Support

Comments are closed

John Shafthauer