UK journalists dropping dead from mysterious new virus known as POUTRAGE

Support us and go ad-free

A new illness has claimed its 15th victim among Britain’s media community. The disease is prevalent in white, middle class, corporate media – and symptoms include a short but intense period of mock outrage before the victim spontaneously self-combusts.

The virus, known as POUTRAGE (Publicly Offended Ultra-Twattery Replacing Any Genuine Emotion) claimed the life of New Statesman journalist Sara Diddums this week. Diddums is believed to have been tweeting about an article with which she disagreed, by POUTRAGE carrier Helspeth Shoeless. Within minutes of seeing the tweets, Shoeless had erupted into flames in her Cheshire home, leaving newly-infected Diddums to spread the virus.

On the day of her tragic and untimely death, Diddums was seen pacing frantically through Islington, screaming at her iPhone. Her Twitter timeline reveals she repeatedly sub-tweeted the author of the article she disliked, copying in every one of her followers.

At around 11am, she is said to have glared up at the sky, shaking her iPhone, and shouted:

“This is an ABOMINATION!!”

According to bystanders, a small fire then erupted in her hair. Tragically, before they could take action, the fire took hold of Diddums’ pashmina and there was just no coming back from that.

Before her death, Diddums is said to have infected several other journalists – including Tom Shivers, James Eunuch, and Toby Smug.

Read on...

Support us and go ad-free

The virus has since claimed the lives of journalists across the mainstream media, from outlets including New StatesmanThe Guardian, The Telegraph, and moving further afield to Private Eye and Buzzfeed.

A spokesperson for the National Union of Journalists told Off The Perch:

We are greatly saddened by the tragic loss of some of Britain’s most…opinionated journalists. We would also like to remind the media community that these deaths are entirely avoidable.

The POUTRAGE virus can be neutralised by acceptance of this simple mantra: It is perfectly acceptable for others to hold an opinion which is not my own.

We advise the community to pin these words to their computer and phone screens, and to re-read the moment that sensations of superiority, righteousness, outrage, or pomposity arise.

Investigative and new media journalists seem to be immune from the virus. According to Manu Blythe, lead researcher at the Cambridge Laboratory of Satirical Diseases, the resistance among these groups is easily explained:

“They simply don’t give a shit what people think about them personally. They seem motivated by holding power to account and making progressive changes to our society in areas like science, education, health, and the justice system. The possession of such concerns seems to immunise journalists against the POUTRAGE virus.”

If you suspect you or someone you know is succumbing to the POUTRAGE virus, please re-read the mantra immediately: It is perfectly acceptable for others to hold an opinion which is not my own.

We advise readers to share this article with any journalists they fear may be at risk from POUTRAGE, immediately.

Featured Image via Flickr

Support us and go ad-free

We need your help to keep speaking the truth

Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.

Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.

We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.

In return, you get:

* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop

Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.

With your help we can continue:

* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do

We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed