Labour party releases list of banned items ahead of the annual conference

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As part of the plan to finally rid itself of supporters, the Labour party is allegedly hatching a plot so devilish that it would make a Blackpool town centre wedding party look like afternoon tea at a nunnery.

According to a leaked and annotated list which was handed to Off the Perch, anti-Corbyn officials in the Labour party are intending to physically remove members from the annual conference if they are found to possess one or more of the following items:

  • Donkey jackets (or anything else which suggests union membership – ie a membership card or the appearance of having worked hard all week).
  • Lapel badges which don’t feature one of our allies – acceptable political icons including Tony Blair, George W. Bush, King Salman Al Saud of Saudi Arabia, Rupert Murdoch, or whoever it is that we’re attempting to imitate at the time of the conference.
  • A Corby accent (too close for comfort).
  • A list of questions which would make us look bad if we were to answer them truthfully.
  • A copy of ‘The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists.’
  • Actual ragged-trousers (we’ll never be able to help the working classes again if we keep letting them in and listening to what they have to say).
  • Corbyn caps (especially if the person wearing it is Corbyn himself, although we may struggle to keep him out on the day, as although he’s an inept and useless weakling, he is also somewhat of a cunning and Machiavellian bully).
  • A copy of The Socialist Worker/Morning Star/Viz (if they’ve got a sense of humour, they probably read that Frankie Boyle character).
  • Megaphones.
  • Soapboxes (Does it have to be an actual soap box? Or could they use any box? If anything, you’d think that soapboxes would be the worst sort of box to use, as they’d potentially be somewhat slippery as a result of the soapy environment in which they were packaged. Best ban all boxes just to be sure).
  • Sandals.
  • The smell of an allotment.
  • A look of hope in the eye.
  • And finally, we should also check people’s Spotify accounts to make sure that they don’t listen to Chumbawamba, Rage Against the Machine, Billy Bragg (or any other act that was ever in Red Wedge), Bob Marley, or The Cheeky Girls (that last one sounds a bit far fetched, but remember that as well as being some sort of Russians, one of them also went out with a Liberal Democrat, and that’s almost always a sign of communist infiltration).

While the plan sounds like it could keep out a large section of Jeremy Corbyn’s supporters, it is fortunately being organised by the sort of people whose track record shows that they couldn’t arrange a piss-up in the middle of an already occurring piss-up which is itself taking place in the barrel room of a going-out-of-business brewery.

Although that analogy might be overly generous about their abilities to be fair.

Featured image via Flickr

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