Theresa May secures free hotel towels during Indian trade visit

Support us and go ad-free

Many predicted that Theresa May would return from India empty handed. But she proved otherwise by scoring some towels, a bathrobe, and a shower curtain, and taking a few selfies to prove it happened.

There were several reasons why people predicted the Indian trade visit would fail to bear mangoes. The first is that most countries simply won’t enact deals with us until we’ve sorted out our affairs with the EU and the World Trade Organization (WTO). A process that may take up to ten years. And the reason they won’t is the same reason you wouldn’t arrange to marry someone who was already going through a messy and protracted divorce, while simultaneously being on fire.

India would also like to arrange a better immigration deal for itself in return for access to its financial services. Which would be beneficial to us in both directions. But, well. We’re not really driven by common sense anymore. We’re driven by ill-thought-out reactionary sentiment and deceitfully constructed right-wing headlines.

Read on...

Support us and go ad-free

There’s also a question of whether their people will want to come to Great Britain in the first place. Especially as we are now more colloquially known as “F*ck Off Island”.

What part of “leave” did you not understand?

Despite our insistence that we should be given everything we want, the Indian government refused to hand it over. Unfortunately for them, Nigel Farage got wise to their crafty bullsh*t, and marched on the post-talks banquet with 100,000 patriots.

And this is what he shouted at the Indian government as he entered:

Remoaners! Remoaners! You are ignoring the will of the British people! And you will bow to our demands, or me and my 100,000 men will march on you like nobody’s business!

To which Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi replied:

Please forgive me, my English must not be so good. I thought you said 100,000 people, but all I see are yourself, Katie Hopkins, and 20 or so people whose faces are filled with the sweaty terror of someone who sobered up ten minutes ago and now has no idea where they are.

While the argument continued, Theresa May shoved a plate of popadoms into her handbag, and fled to take selfies with them in the toilets. Which was an achievement in itself, as despite the entire banquet having been free, she managed to hone in on the one foodstuff that is traditionally complimentary anyway.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via Flickr

Support us and go ad-free

We know everyone is suffering under the Tories - but the Canary is a vital weapon in our fight back, and we need your support

The Canary Workers’ Co-op knows life is hard. The Tories are waging a class war against us we’re all having to fight. But like trade unions and community organising, truly independent working-class media is a vital weapon in our armoury.

The Canary doesn’t have the budget of the corporate media. In fact, our income is over 1,000 times less than the Guardian’s. What we do have is a radical agenda that disrupts power and amplifies marginalised communities. But we can only do this with our readers’ support.

So please, help us continue to spread messages of resistance and hope. Even the smallest donation would mean the world to us.

Support us

Comments are closed