HMS Vengeance renamed Nukey McNukeface if we ignore misfire, promises PM

HMS Vengeance Nukey McNukeface
Support us and go ad-free

Following an embarrassing, fumbled, and arse-headed denial, the PM has come clean. Namely by admitting that yes, she did know Trident misfired, and no, she didn’t pass that information on. And yet, she has also come up with a plan that could see her emerge from this cesspit of scandal relatively un-filthed. A plan which would see the Trident submarine, HMS Vengeance, renamed Nukey McNukeface.

With a Vengeance

Some people were shocked to discover that one of our nuclear submarines was called HMS Vengeance. Although what else would you call it? It’s designed to revenge-kill several cities’ worth of innocent civilians, so you can’t call it HMS Rational. Although it could be called something less dramatic, like HMS Spite-Fire or HMS F*ck You Too. Or, going off the recent failed test, HMS Premature Retaliation or HMS Whoopsie.

Blanky McBlankface

We spoke to a senior Tory to find out where the Nukey McNukeface idea came from. At least we think it was a senior Tory anyway. It could just as easily have been a politically literate vampire:

Read on...

Support us and go ad-free

If there’s one thing that 2016 taught us, it’s that all people really want is for things to be called Something McSomethingface. And the biggest disappointment of 2016 was when we ordered that Boaty McBoatface should be named the RRS Sir David Attenborough. You’d think it would have been when David Bowie died or when Nigel Farage lived, but no.

Obviously, we got a real kick out of causing that disappointment, but it also made us think. And what we realised is that we can get away with pretty much anything if we distract people with a funny name. Which is why we’ve been getting away with so much privatisation in the NHS since we introduced our new Head of Corporate Strategy, Scammo McScamface.

And it doesn’t stop there

Having realised this one simple trick, the Tories are seeking to make all of their more odious politicians more palatable. As a result, the following members of government will be renamed:

  • Theresa May = Maybe McMayface
  • Boris Johnson = Farcey McFarceface
  • Andrea Leadsom = Brainless McAllface
  • Michael Gove = Bullsh*t McTw*tface
  • Dave Davis = Brexit MeansBrexitface
  • Michael Fabricant = Wiggy McWigface
  • Iain Duncan Smith = Hatey McPlebErase
  • Priti Patel = Killy McKILLKILL
  • Liam Fox = Disgracey McDisgrace

So expect plenty of media coverage on how ridiculous this is, while the government quietly gets on with perpetrating evil.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via Wikimedia

Support us and go ad-free

Do your bit for independent journalism

Did you know that less than 1.5% of our readers contribute financially to The Canary? Imagine what we could do if just a few more people joined our movement to achieve a shared vision of a free and fair society where we nurture people and planet.

We need you to help out, if you can.

When you give a monthly amount to fund our work, you are supporting truly independent journalism. We hold power to account and have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence the counterpoint to the mainstream.

You can count on us for rigorous journalism and fearless opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right wing mainstream media.

In return you get:

  • Advert free reading experience
  • Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
  • 20% discount from our shop


The Canary Fund us

Comments are closed