The PM has been touring the globe over the last few days. Primarily to show the EU that post-Brexit, we can still make new friends. Or at least that we can become bumbling sidekicks to psychotic super-villains anyway:
This is what it looks like when people don't know how to hold hands correctly, or one of the holders is a semi-willing participant pic.twitter.com/0Jvoxxb802
— John Shafthauer (@johnshafthauer) January 27, 2017
And yet despite our desperation, there still weren’t that many people who wanted to talk to us. As most of them realise it will be easier to screw us after the US and EU have had their way with us. Which is why the PM was forced to meet with one the world’s most low-key dictators of all. Namely Scar, the lion king.
An embarrassment meets a pride
There’s been much criticism of May’s visit. For a start, we can’t negotiate a proper deal with them until after we’ve left the EU. And for a follow-up, they’re just lions, so what can they really offer us anyway? Especially when you consider that like India, the lions want easier migration access to Britain. Which will be a hard sell for the PM for two reasons:
- She has vowed to drive down migration.
- They actually would eat people. That probably shouldn’t need explaining.
Despite this, the PM’s situation is so frantic that she will probably take anything she can get. Even if it’s little more than a handful of half-chewed antelope corpses. Which is also why she let Donald Trump hold her hand like she was some sort of child:
PM TO EU
"Britain too proud to accept a bad deal"
PM TO TRUMP
"Give us a sniff of a deal, & I'll let you walk me round like a show pony"
— John Shafthauer (@johnshafthauer) January 28, 2017
And it’s almost certainly why she allowed herself to be photographed doing lion-stuff with King Scar. Lion stuff that included:
- Wrestling gazelles to the ground with their teeth.
- Marking their territory.
- Forcing the animals that they prey on to sing songs about how wonderful the ‘circle of life’ is.
A betrayal of values
Perhaps the worst thing that she’s done, however, is refusing to condemn Scar’s ascension to the crown. An ascension which involved him murdering his brother with a stampede of panicked wildebeest. The only statement that May has been prepared to make being:
Regicide is a matter best left between kings and their murderers.
Although she was later overheard saying:
Oh god, I hope people don’t criticise him and make him not like me.
If this falls through, we’re going to have to help Kim Jong-un get a spot on Eurovision.
The talks did fall through, however. Because the lions realised that as anxious as we are for a deal now, it’s nothing compared to what we’ll be like in a year or two’s time.
We need your help to keep speaking the truth
Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.
Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.
We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.
In return, you get:
* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop
Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.
With your help we can continue:
* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do
We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?