The Tory government has introduced a policy which means benefits will be restricted to a family’s first two children. Which is now an issue for the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, as the pair have decided to recklessly procreate and bring another one of those awful human beings into the world.
Off with their benefits!
The first stage of the two-child policy saw benefits being withheld from superfluous people (ie children). The second stage is upping the ante though, and parents will be given the following options for their pointless progeny:
- Raised by wolves.
- Harvested for organs.
- Sold to Sports Direct.
- Put into one of those pods from The Matrix which somehow extract more energy than it takes to power them.
- Trained to listen to Theresa May at public events and pretend to be members of the public.
The Royals have chosen for their upcoming surplus child to be raised by wolves. It’s understood that they chose this option because they thought it would be like a Disney cartoon or something. Their belief being that one day the child would return to claim what is rightfully theirs.
A leading expert in animal behaviour thinks this is unlikely, however. They told Off The Perch:
Yeah, I don’t think these wolves are going to be raising any children. That’s not really the sort of thing wolves do. They might eat the child. Especially when they find out what these aristocrats like doing to foxes.
Of course, there was no question about maybe funding this third royal sprog. Because we’re all in it together!
That’s the catchphrase.
So of course the Duke and Duchess knew that the country could not fund a third infant. Because obviously that would suggest there’s one rule for the royals, and one for the people who should really keep their mouths (and legs) shut.
We need your help to keep speaking the truth
Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.
Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.
We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.
In return, you get:
* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop
Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.
With your help we can continue:
* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do
We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?