Royal benefits baby to be raised by wolves in line with Tory two child policy

John Shafthauer

The Tory government has introduced a policy which means benefits will be restricted to a family’s first two children. Which is now an issue for the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, as the pair have decided to recklessly procreate and bring another one of those awful human beings into the world.

Off with their benefits!

The first stage of the two-child policy saw benefits being withheld from superfluous people (ie children). The second stage is upping the ante though, and parents will be given the following options for their pointless progeny:

  • Raised by wolves.
  • Harvested for organs.
  • Sold to Sports Direct.
  • Put into one of those pods from The Matrix which somehow extract more energy than it takes to power them.
  • Trained to listen to Theresa May at public events and pretend to be members of the public.

The Royals have chosen for their upcoming surplus child to be raised by wolves. It’s understood that they chose this option because they thought it would be like a Disney cartoon or something. Their belief being that one day the child would return to claim what is rightfully theirs.

Start your day with The Canary News Digest

Fresh and fearless; get excellent independent journalism from The Canary, delivered straight to your inbox every morning.

A leading expert in animal behaviour thinks this is unlikely, however. They told Off The Perch:

Yeah, I don’t think these wolves are going to be raising any children. That’s not really the sort of thing wolves do. They might eat the child. Especially when they find out what these aristocrats like doing to foxes.

Continue reading below...


Of course, there was no question about maybe funding this third royal sprog. Because we’re all in it together!


That’s the catchphrase.

So of course the Duke and Duchess knew that the country could not fund a third infant. Because obviously that would suggest there’s one rule for the royals, and one for the people who should really keep their mouths (and legs) shut.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via Pixabay/Flickr

Since you're here ...

We know you don't need a lecture. You wouldn't be here if you didn't care.
Now, more than ever, we need your help to challenge the rightwing press and hold power to account. Please help us survive and thrive.

The Canary Support

Comments are closed

John Shafthauer