Boris Johnson to be repositioned someplace more suitable

Boris Johnson to be positioned someplace more suitable OTP
John Shafthauer

Despite theoretically being the most powerful person in the UK, Theresa May is unable to fire Boris Johnson. Which doesn’t look good, because Johnson is more eligible for the sack than that brain surgeon who turned out to be a donkey in a lab coat.

Despite her lack of strength though, she may be able to reposition him. But where might he be repositioned to?

Bye bye, Boris

Off The Perch has exclusively seen a list of all the areas that Johnson is being considered for. It includes:

  • Outer space.
  • The sea.
  • Someplace imaginary (like Narnia or The Northern Powerhouse).

Obviously Johnson needs a job to perform once there. Potentially this could see him:

  • Being used as a scarecrow to ward off all the foreign workers we need (which is basically his job now).
  • Becoming the Secretary of State for Being Locked in a Cupboard Without Internet Access.
  • Being used to absorb all of the radioactive waste that’s produced in our nuclear reactors (this would be the best option if there wasn’t a slight chance of him turning into some sort of giant-sized Nobzilla).

Fresh Blood

Some people in the Tory Party are calling for the entire cabinet to be reshuffled. Unfortunately, one of the Tories calling for this accidentally used the phrase ‘fresh blood’. This is always unwise in Conservative circles, as over 80% of hereditary Tories are vampires.

The call led to some serious over-exuberance, and in the ensuing rush to the blood bank over £48 worth of damage was caused. All of which was accounted for by Iain Duncan Smith spilling coffee on his breakfast.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via PXHere

We need your help ...

The coronavirus pandemic is changing our world, fast. And we will do all we can to keep bringing you news and analysis throughout. But we are worried about maintaining enough income to pay our staff and minimal overheads.

Now, more than ever, we need a vibrant, independent media that holds the government to account and calls it out when it puts vested economic interests above human lives. We need a media that shows solidarity with the people most affected by the crisis – and one that can help to build a world based on collaboration and compassion.

We have been fighting against an establishment that is trying to shut us down. And like most independent media, we don’t have the deep pockets of investors to call on to bail us out.

Can you help by chipping in a few pounds each month?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed