The Tories have been nominated for the Golden Globe award for ‘Most Preposterous Performance in a Serial Horror’
It has been revealed that the Tories have been nominated for the Golden Globe award for Most Preposterous Performance in a Serial Horror; the ‘raspberry’ style gong for a truly awful contribution to unnecessary drama.
Remoanapocalypse!
The nomination is for their role in Resident Evil: Brextinction; the widely-panned ensemble horror co-produced by the BBC and 21st Century Fox and shown on The Horror Channel. The poundshop production, a sequel to Resident Evil: EUpocalypse, follows the life of Alice, played by Theresa May. The genetically-modified heroine is tasked with fighting the secretive Berlaymont Corporation, a group of evil EU despots determined to get their hands on Britain’s sovereignty.
Beneath Brussels is Berlaymont’s secret underground lab, The Skive. After a viral weapon known as the ‘Remoaner-virus’ escapes through the air vents and wafts across the English Channel, the Tusk-onator, a massive supercomputer running The Skive, plants the Remoaner-virus on all EasyJet flights from Magaluf, Ibiza and Ayia Napa – eventually infecting 48% of the UK population.
Alice and a group of Tory Brextinction survivors (played by Jacob Rees-Mogg, Michael Gove and David Davis) must battle the Guardian-wielding zombie population created by the Remoaner-virus, while fighting the Berlaymont Corporation. And lolloping in and out of the film is Alice’s bumbling sidekick, Boris Johnson. Played by Boris Johnson.
Fifty Shades Dumber
Announcing the Golden Globe nomination, a chortling Jeremy Corbyn said of the Tories’ performance:
It was a tough call to find the most preposterous performance this year – what with Fifty Shades Darker, Power Rangers, and Smurfs: The Lost Village. But the Tories in Resident Evil: Brextinction are up there.
David Davis repeatedly said he had learned his script, pre-production, before admitting on the first day of filming that he had never even seen a copy of it. Theresa May claimed to be ready, strong and stable enough for her role. But then she had a throat infection for half of the shoot. And Boris kept making offensive comments to the European cast members, so was eventually packed off to open a piss-up in a brewery. Rumours are everyone there was stone cold sober.
Read on...
Brexshit: no script needed
Follow-up series are reportedly in production. These include three Resident Evil sequels: RemoanerLife, Brextribution and The Final Impact Analysis. But a BBC insider told Off The Perch:
Look, right. We were confident that our latest piece of pro-Tory propaganda was water-fucking-tight. Kuenssberg even signed off on it. But when it came to it, the actual Tories themselves were so fucking chaotic and preposterous, it made filming impossible. Seriously – you couldn’t even make satire from their performances, they were so bloody bad.
On hearing the news of the Golden Globe nomination, much of the UK population agreed with the BBC insider. Because with the mess the Tories are making of Brexit, you literally couldn’t make this shit up. So why bother?
Get Involved!
– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.
Featured image via The Canary/Flickr
We know everyone is suffering under the Tories - but the Canary is a vital weapon in our fight back, and we need your support
The Canary Workers’ Co-op knows life is hard. The Tories are waging a class war against us we’re all having to fight. But like trade unions and community organising, truly independent working-class media is a vital weapon in our armoury.
The Canary doesn’t have the budget of the corporate media. In fact, our income is over 1,000 times less than the Guardian’s. What we do have is a radical agenda that disrupts power and amplifies marginalised communities. But we can only do this with our readers’ support.
So please, help us continue to spread messages of resistance and hope. Even the smallest donation would mean the world to us.
