‘A Brexmas Carol’ Part Three: the past and the present catch up with Ebetheresa…

Scrooge Main Three Brexmas
Support us and go ad-free

We left you, dear reader, observing a terrified Ebetheresa Scrooge. Having just been visited by the ghost of Margaret Thatcher, Scrooge now has Joan Rivers, the Ghost of Christmas Past, flying through her nets…

“Joan…?” proclaimed Scrooge. “Joan… Rivers…?”

“The very same,” Rivers drawled in her customary Brooklyn twang. “I told you – I told you all! When I died they did donate my body to Tupperware! Any-hoo…”

Rivers cleared her throat, and assumed the timbre of a colloquial English gentleman. “I am the Ghost of Christmas Past,” she said.

“Long Past?” inquired Scrooge.

Rivers looked down. “Well, these two puppies came with a forty-year guarantee, so I… ANYWAY!” Assuming the same, genteel resonance, she exclaimed “Your past, Ebetheresa! I am here for your welfare! Your reclamation! So take heed! Rise! And walk with me!”

Scrooge and Rivers passed through the wall and were suddenly traversing a snow-covered country road. Scrooge recognised every twist and turn of the lane, until a sight befell her eyes that brought tears to them.

Read on...

Support us and go ad-free

“My wheat fields! Oh! My wheat fields!” exclaimed Scrooge, then also noticing the school she went to. She was her younger self, fox hunting with children who were in great spirits; shouting until the broad fields were so full of merry music, blood and guts that the crisp air laughed to hear it.

“These are but shadows of the things that have been,” said Rivers.

“Much like my parliamentary majority,” wept Scrooge. Rivers showed her more and more memories: her father’s vicarage; the Oxford University Conservative Club; her husband putting out the bins – until Scrooge could bear it no more.

“Remove me!” Scrooge exclaimed. “I cannot bear it!”

“My time grows short,” observed the Spirit. “Quick!”

Again Scrooge saw herself. She was older now. She was not alone, but sitting by a pretty young man: in his eyes there were tears. “It matters little to you,” a young David Cameron said, softly. “Another idol has taken my place. It is the love of Brexit. Goodbye. May you be happy in the life you have chosen!”

“Leave me! Take me back. Haunt me no longer!” cried Scrooge. And as quickly as Rivers appeared, she was gone. And Scrooge was back in her bed, weary – falling into another deep sleep…

Awaking in the middle of a prodigiously tough snore, Scrooge saw a light coming from the next room as the clock again struck one. A strange voice called her by her name, and bade her enter. She obeyed and saw her own room – but not as she remembered it. Holly and mistletoe hung in every direction and a roaring blaze bellowed up the chimney. And sitting by the hearth was a grand figure of a man:

“Come IN,” bellowed the gent, “and know me better!”

“Ken…?” exclaimed Scrooge. “Ken… Clarke…?”

Part Four of ‘A Brexmas Carol’ is out on Friday 22 December. You can read Part One here and Part Two here.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via Flickr/Wikimedia/Flickr

Support us and go ad-free

We need your help to keep speaking the truth

Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.

Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.

We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.

In return, you get:

* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop

Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.

With your help we can continue:

* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do

We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed