Nigel Farage draws first blood in his war on fish

Nigel Farage tossing dead fish into the Thames
Support us and go ad-free

You may know Nigel Farage best for his speeches at far-right rallies or his unwavering support of this guy.

What’s less well known is that he actually has a rare medical condition. A condition which means his skin will turn inside out if he goes two days without publicly humiliating himself.

And presumably, this is what led to his latest endeavour.

Farage declares war on the fish

Farage summoned a gaggle of journalists to his boat the S.S. Cunty Snark. He told them:

People have often told me that I have the face of a trout.

But do you know who really have the faces of trout?

Trout.

Read on...

Support us and go ad-free

And I just won’t take it any longer!

Farage then produced a live fish which he proceeded to punch to death with his pale fists. When his gawping foe was slain, the pinstriped warrior tossed the corpse like it was yesterday’s Daily Express.

A confused journalist asked if this was another display of ultra-nationalism – like when Farage declared war on migratory birds.

“No,” he answered. “I simply don’t like fish.”

His speech over, the former UKIP leader gripped a Bowie knife between his teeth and leapt into the Thames. He then spent the next hour splashing about and punching the water. There were no reported casualties.

So long, and thanks for all the fash!

Some people mistakenly thought the display was a protest against EU fishing lanes. But obviously, that’s somewhat preposterous. Because if Farage cared about British fishing, he wouldn’t have attended only one meeting out of 42 when he was a member of the European Parliament Fisheries Committee.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via screengrab

Support us and go ad-free

We need your help to keep speaking the truth

Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.

Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.

We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.

In return, you get:

* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop

Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.

With your help we can continue:

* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do

We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed