Day-old royal already more successful than any scientist, fire fighter, carer…

Cartoon baby wearing a crown with a list of jobs super-imposed over their face
John Shafthauer

The people who measure these things have announced the day-old royal baby is already more successful than anyone else in the country.

And it just goes to show: if you put the work in, results will follow.

On merit

Prime minister Theresa May is a big fan of meritocracies. She even wrote a speech about them called ‘Britain, the great meritocracy’. That’s how she became PM, in fact. All that merit she oozes.

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As such, it was fitting when she said:

What could symbolise meritocracy more than a tiny baby being rewarded with countless riches, half of Scotland, and a throne that’s cast from the swords of his enemies? After all, he’s already achieved so much.

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The baby displayed this by vomiting slightly and crying.

“Lovely jubbly,” the PM agreed, as she stuffed a million-pound note into his top hat.

Success

The birth has coincided with the launch of a new self-help book titled:

Get Born Rich: The Guaranteed Path to Success

Off The Perch caught up with the book’s author to ask if this was practical advice.

“It certainly worked for Prince Charles, Paris Hilton, and Charlie Sheen,” he said. “And if those deadbeats can manage it, I don’t see why everyone else can’t.”

Huzzah

Other people have suggested that a system in which people inherit wealth like Norse demi-gods inherit elemental powers is just wrong. And I’m one of them. Why is the world like this? These people need to get jobs.

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Featured image via Ben Kerckx – Pixabay

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John Shafthauer