Fans gutted as the English football admits it doesn’t want to come home

Support us and go ad-free

Football’s coming home. The whole nation feels it. But does it actually want to?


The Canary tracked down the football in question. It’s worried:

I haven’t been home since England last won the world cup in 1966. To be honest, I don’t want to return. Since Germany won in 2014, I’ve been living in a quaint German village. As an 88 year old, I don’t want to live in a country that asset-strips the elderly and then warehouses them like second-hand furniture.


When The Canary‘s reporter mentioned Brexit, the football noticeably deflated:

England is committing economic suicide just so a bunch out of touch toffs can settle who is going to run the country into the ground next. I think I have no choice but to apply for EU citizenship. I thought I was safe when the last match went to penalties but they bloody won! On Saturday at three, I’d prefer to be hiding behind the sofa in a Sweden shirt.

Make believe

The news of the interview soon filtered through to the right-wing press who were absolutely baffled about what to think. At the monthly ‘how to pretend to be for the people but actually benefit the elite’ meeting, the following conversation ensued:

Daily Star:

Read on...

Support us and go ad-free

We still want England to win because we are English so we like England the best.

Daily Mail:

But what if this elderly snowflake football rolls back into the country talking about the perils of Brexit? That will be a big blow to the dream of tax haven Britain.

The Sun:

It’s tricky. Not supporting England would be suicide, but we agree this football poses a risk. Why don’t we support the lads, and then when the football comes home, we can organise for it to be pushed into the road and hit by a car?

Daily Express:

Then we can blame it for using up NHS and social care funding, making it seem like we care about health provision without having to challenge the real causes of underfunding!

The Sun:


Daily Mail:

Football’s coming home.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

– Join The Canary, so we can keep holding the powerful to account.

Featured image via YouTube

Support us and go ad-free

Do your bit for independent journalism

Did you know that less than 1.5% of our readers contribute financially to The Canary? Imagine what we could do if just a few more people joined our movement to achieve a shared vision of a free and fair society where we nurture people and planet.

We need you to help out, if you can.

When you give a monthly amount to fund our work, you are supporting truly independent journalism. We hold power to account and have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence the counterpoint to the mainstream.

You can count on us for rigorous journalism and fearless opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right wing mainstream media.

In return you get:

  • Advert free reading experience
  • Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
  • 20% discount from our shop


The Canary Fund us

Comments are closed