Fans gutted as the English football admits it doesn’t want to come home

Football’s coming home. The whole nation feels it. But does it actually want to?


The Canary tracked down the football in question. It’s worried:

I haven’t been home since England last won the world cup in 1966. To be honest, I don’t want to return. Since Germany won in 2014, I’ve been living in a quaint German village. As an 88 year old, I don’t want to live in a country that asset-strips the elderly and then warehouses them like second-hand furniture.


When The Canary‘s reporter mentioned Brexit, the football noticeably deflated:

England is committing economic suicide just so a bunch out of touch toffs can settle who is going to run the country into the ground next. I think I have no choice but to apply for EU citizenship. I thought I was safe when the last match went to penalties but they bloody won! On Saturday at three, I’d prefer to be hiding behind the sofa in a Sweden shirt.

Make believe

The news of the interview soon filtered through to the right-wing press who were absolutely baffled about what to think. At the monthly ‘how to pretend to be for the people but actually benefit the elite’ meeting, the following conversation ensued:

Daily Star:

Read on...

We still want England to win because we are English so we like England the best.

Daily Mail:

But what if this elderly snowflake football rolls back into the country talking about the perils of Brexit? That will be a big blow to the dream of tax haven Britain.

The Sun:

It’s tricky. Not supporting England would be suicide, but we agree this football poses a risk. Why don’t we support the lads, and then when the football comes home, we can organise for it to be pushed into the road and hit by a car?

Daily Express:

Then we can blame it for using up NHS and social care funding, making it seem like we care about health provision without having to challenge the real causes of underfunding!

The Sun:


Daily Mail:

Football’s coming home.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

– Join The Canary, so we can keep holding the powerful to account.

Featured image via YouTube

We need your help to keep speaking the truth

Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.

Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.

We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.

In return, you get:

* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop

Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.

With your help we can continue:

* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do

We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed