Theresa May miraculously unites Brexiteers and Remainers
Since 2016, the people of Britain have been drifting apart. Theresa May has done the unthinkable though. She’s managed to bring everyone together in agreement that her Brexit plan is the worst option of all.
No Brexaggeration
There are three main groups in the UK:
- Strident Brexiteers who want nothing short of hard Brexit.
- Ardent Remainers who want nothing less than super-Remain.
- Everyone else (i.e. the vast majority of people) who want TO STOP HEARING ABOUT FUCKING BREXIT!
Brexiteers hate May’s plan because it means being tied to the EU’s rules. Remainers dislike it because we’d lose all our EU privileges. Everyone else loathes it BECAUSE IT MEANS PROLONGING BREXIT FOR SEVERAL MORE FUCKING YEARS! JESUS! ENOUGH ALREADY!
Come together
Protests were briefly planned, but agreeing on a chant proved difficult. The hardcore Brexiteers suggested:
What do we want?
The British Empire and ‘Allo, Allo’ back on TV!
The ultra-Remainers (i.e. Alastair Campbell) proposed:
Read on...
What do we want?
To get back to a status-quo in which we can pretend everything is tickety-boo because the only ones affected are plebs, foreigners, and people who give a shit!
And everyone else demanded:
What do we want?
TO STOP FUCKING TALKING ABOUT BREXIT!
SERIOUSLY!
I’M FURIOUS AT MYSELF FOR EVEN CHANTING THIS SHIT!
Moving forwards
It’s difficult to see who could (or would want to) replace May at this point. Although by the time this is published, you probably already know. You might even know who replaced the replacement.
Happy Thursday, everybody!
Get Involved!
– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.
– Join The Canary, so we can keep holding the powerful to account.
Featured image via Geograph – Robert Lamb (IMAGE WAS ALTERED)
We know everyone is suffering under the Tories - but the Canary is a vital weapon in our fight back, and we need your support
The Canary Workers’ Co-op knows life is hard. The Tories are waging a class war against us we’re all having to fight. But like trade unions and community organising, truly independent working-class media is a vital weapon in our armoury.
The Canary doesn’t have the budget of the corporate media. In fact, our income is over 1,000 times less than the Guardian’s. What we do have is a radical agenda that disrupts power and amplifies marginalised communities. But we can only do this with our readers’ support.
So please, help us continue to spread messages of resistance and hope. Even the smallest donation would mean the world to us.
