#SwindonsSundaySermon: 19 relaunches later and we’re still none the wiser…

If you cast your mind back to when Keir Starmer was leader of the opposition, as painful as it might be, you will be absolutely familiar with these relaunch things the failing Prime Minister likes to unravel whenever the shit hits the fan.

These repetitive relaunches — his NINETEENTH since becoming leader of the Labour Party — never actually improved Starmer’s own personal reputation and offered nothing of any substance to the people that needed a Labour government more than most.

No, Starmerites, you won a general election because the public couldn’t possibly stomach the Tories for another five years. It had absolutely nothing to do with Keir Starmer, and even less to do with focus groups.

Silly little three-word soundbites might’ve worked well for Boris ‘Get Brexit Done’ Johnson, but they’ve never served Keir ‘Boring, Inept, Hypocritical’ Starmer particularly well.

Relaunch number 19: more made-to-be-broken promises

This latest series of made-to-be-broken promises are designed to make you think Starmer is delivering the “change” he promised to all of us throughout the general election campaign and in the 2024 Labour Manifesto.

Do you really think Keir Starmer is in any sort of a position to lecture the British people on law and order when he and his government not only give the green light to weapons manufacturers to supply Israel with the tools of genocide, but also remain vocally and unashamedly supportive of Israel, its murderous aims, and its fugitive leader? No, nor do I.

Law and order under the Labour Party will be no different to the lawlessness and disorder of the past fourteen years, particularly when it comes to defending the interests of the rich and powerful that dictate government policy. One rule for us, and no rules for them.

In truth, we have witnessed the worst start for a new government in living memory, and the blame for this catastrophic failure of leadership begins with Keir Starmer and ends with Keir Starmer. No amount of resets, milestones, aspirations, missions, pledges, promises, guarantees, commitments or whatever other bullet point bullshit they come up with is ever going to change this inescapable fact.

Pandering to the right and far-right

Time and time again, the unfairly maligned Corbynites asked what sort of a nightmare we should expect from Keir Starmer in government when he was so egregious in opposition.

Time and time again they called us “cranks” and “antisemites”. It was so much easier to attack a peace-loving, jam-making, anti-racist and crow over a defeat of their own making than answer for Starmer’s glaring leadership deficiencies.

The past five months is what to expect from Keir Starmer in government:

• Pandering to racists? Done.
• Broken election promises? Sorted.
• Continuing the Tories war on disabled people? ‘Fraid so.
• Freezing Nan and Grandad? Game on.
• Taylor Swift tickets and Google-funded dinners? Keir says cheers.
• Sending Ukraine billions whilst talking about “difficult decisions” that invariably mean cuts to your services? Achievement unlocked.

Relaunch that lot, Mr Starmer, you diabolical, tragic waste of DNA.

If this is what just five months of a Starmer administration looks like, can you even begin to imagine what five disastrous years will look like?

Culture shocks

And which ex-I’m A Celebrity Clacton carpetbagger is most likely to benefit from the failures of yet another right-of-centre government that promises to “build, build, build” homes at a pace not seen since the 1960’s while delivering little more than a few unaffordable apartments in Surrey. We need council homes, not just ‘affordable’ housing for middle England.

The transition from opposition to government has been a terrible culture shock for Keir Starmer. They still behave like an opposition that promises the world. It’s very simple to guarantee free unicorns for all when you’re not the government of the day, but if you become the government you need to start looking for some unicorns, and pretty damn quick.

I’ll be straight with you. I didn’t watch the whole speech from Starmer. If I need sedatives, I’ll try and get an appointment with my GP, once I’ve navigated my way past an online booking system and a receptionist that has a certain XL Bully-like charm about her.

It wasn’t just the thought of listening to a man that sounds like a combine harvester trying to sing ‘The Fairytale of New York’ that kept me away from the TV, although the importance of competent oratory in politics cannot be overstated.

But it was also down to the fact that we’ve heard it all before.

Relaunch THAT

Promises that cannot be kept, pledges wiped from the internet, lots of political rhetoric but very little in the way of plausible substance that is likely to benefit a vast majority, if not every single one of you that are reading my thoughts in The Canary on this windy Sunday morning.

Starmer needs to bring a little bit of magic to the table. Starmer needs to give the country an idea of his vision for our futures. Starmer needs to rebuild our national confidence following decades of managed decline by successive governments. Starmer needs to find a bit of ‘va va voom’ rather than mediocrity and doom.

But the problem is, Starmer thinks he achieved this on Thursday, when he quite clearly didn’t, and let’s be honest, he probably never will.

Featured image via Rachael Swindon