BREAKING: Blairites leave Labour to create a new official UK opposition party

Kerry-anne Mendoza

This article is satirical

Leading members of the Blairite wing of the Labour party have announced their intentions to formally break away to create a new official opposition party.

The snap press conference was convened on Sunday afternoon, with Hilary Benn making a statement while flanked by key figures from the Blairite faction of the Labour party.

“We’ve simply had enough” Benn said, adjusting his glasses. “It’s one thing to talk about a temporary nationalisation of steel, but when Mr Corbyn demanded all MPs and political journalists share their tax returns – no. I’m sorry, enough is enough.”

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Mr Benn will lead the new party, with Liz Kendall as Shadow Shadow Work and Pensions Secretary, Yvette Cooper in Education, and Alan Johnson becoming Minister without Portfolio. Johnson’s role is believed to consist mainly of appearing on This Week to make snarky remarks, while taking responsibility for the sum total of nothing.

Speaking about the aims of the new party, Mr Benn told the assembled journalists:

“Look, it’s really as simple as this. There needs to be a party for people who want to, you know, be tough on unions, tough on welfare, pro-privatisation, have a hawkish view of foreign policy, but simply cannot bring themselves to vote Conservative. Who is thinking of those people right now? I mean, Barry down the pub is alright, but who on earth is representing Miles at Waitrose?”

Asked what the new party will be called, Benn revealed that like the Natural Environment Research Council (NERC) research vessel Boaty McBoatface, the new party would be named by the public. Readers of The Canary were busy making their own suggestions after the announcement.

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At latest polling,  the name “Warmongering C*nt Brigade” is leading with around 89% of all votes. In second place is a suggestion from SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon, who suggested “The Jobby Wee Rockets Party

Labour Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell broke away from the “Bye Bye You Traitorous Sh*ts” celebration at The Black Lion pub in Hackney to speak to The Canary, saying:

“We couldn’t be happier, frankly. Warmongering C*nt Brigade, Jobby Wee Rockets Party, whatever the hell they choose to call themselves. They are morally and literally f*cking redundant. They should’ve joined the Tories, but, y’know – they like to maintain the pretence of being vaguely not sh*ts.”

At which point, Mr McDonnell emphasized his point by downing the rest of his stout and performing a short but exuberant jig on an outside table.

We were unable to gain entry to The Black Lion, but while speaking with Mr McDonnell, we were able to catch sight of Angela Eagle performing Nancy Sinatra’s ‘These boots are made for walking’ on karaoke, while Diane Abbott twerked with surprise guest, Michael Portillo.

Downing Street was unable to comment on the matter, as the office staff were fully occupied shredding tax returns.

Featured Image via Wikipedia/Flickr Creative Commons/Wikipedia

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