Johnson described as ‘Brexit messiah’ because his plan relies on magic and doesn’t exist

The summer holidays are nearly over, and Boris Johnson has resurrected himself. He’s no longer just the idiot who landed us in this mess; he’s now the messiah who will save us from it.

That’s the charitable description of him, anyway. Someone else described him as:

Like a dog returning to eat its own vomit.

Challenge

The PM’s Chequers plan has been shot down by the EU and everyone else who’s read it. This is perfect for Johnson, as it means he doesn’t need a counter-plan of his own; he can just point at May’s and come out with long-winded gibberish like:

What fearful cobblers has this limpest of PMs lain before us now? Be this Britain’s future? When I voted for Brexit, I voted for innovative jams, Punch & Judy puppet shows, and me as prime minister!

The tragedy of Brexit isn’t that Theresa May has failed; the tragedy is it took her this long to cock it up badly enough for me to challenge her!

Rapture 

We asked a theologian to explain the similarities and differences between Jesus and Johnson:

The similarity is that both of them relied on magic, and both refused to reveal their plan upfront. Jesus fucked off after executing his plan too, which is probably what Johnson will do after he wrecks the country.

The difference, obviously, is that Jesus wasn’t a cunt.

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Featured image via Waiting for the Word – Flickr / Think London – Wikimedia [IMAGE WAS ALTERED]