New junior Brexit minister promises we’ll leave the EU ‘within my lifetime’

A young boy with a bow tie
John Shafthauer

Initially, we were told Brexit would be a walk in the park. Next, we were told it would be tricky but doable – a walk through a park with some dog poo in it. Eventually, they admitted there was considerably more poo than predicted, and the walk in the park would be more of a slog through the shit.

Even that wasn’t the limit, though. The narrative changed to ‘Brexit will be completed within our lifetime’.

Turns out they’re not even confident in that anymore. As such, the government has employed a five-year-old Brexit minister who can somewhat confidently claim they’ll live to see Brexit’s completion.

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Child’s play

The toddler in question is none other than Odysseus Rees-Mogg – heir to the lordship of Reesmogginshire. When asked if he shared his father’s views on Brexit, Odysseus said:

Daddy said Brexit is paying for our new castle.

The little minister was asked what he thought of Theresa May’s Chequers plan. By way of response, he blew a raspberry.

He was also asked when we could expect to see Brexit completed. After several long minutes of calculation, the young minister turned to an aide and asked:

Could you get me the bigger abacus?

Succession

According to one report, the government is drawing up plans for each successive Rees-Moggling to inherit the title of Archduke of Brexit. As such, the timeline could be extended for as long as we have Rees-Moggs.

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John Shafthauer