Top Tories preparing for another snap election

Several people praying
Wilson Belshaw

Word on the street is the Tories are preparing for another snap election. And how are they preparing, you ask? In the only way that makes sense at this point: by dropping to their knees and praying to God.

https://twitter.com/hourlyterrier/status/1043801622273503232

Problems

There are several things a political party can do to prepare for an election:

  • Develop a manifesto with broad appeal that won’t drive countless people to an early death.
  • Point to its previous successes in government – e.g. policies that helped people rather than driving them to an early death.
  • Coach its would-be PM into appearing human and not like some sort of lizard-robot cyborg.

For obvious reasons, the Tories can’t do any of these things. Instead, they’ll be:

  • Coming up with more slogans (e.g. ‘Strongerer and Stablerer’ or ‘Brexit Means I’m Loving It’).
  • Writing a manifesto that doesn’t directly state they’ll drive countless people to an early death, but certainly leaves that option open for the future.
  • Trying to think of a Corbyn smear they haven’t used yet (e.g. ‘Jeremy Corbyn’s beard used to be in Al-Qaeda’. Oh no, wait, they’ve used that).

Forsaken 

Although God doesn’t normally reply to people’s prayers, he has issued a statement to the Tory Party. It reads:

Dear fuckfaces,

When I said be nice to the poor, I wasn’t joking. I also wasn’t messing around when I said ‘an eye for an eye’, so expect some serious comeuppance when you get up here. I’m a complicated guy.

Love, God.

The Tories have since distanced themselves from the almighty. Or distanced themselves further, anyway. They’d already gone into a coalition with Satan some time ago.

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Wilson Belshaw