Top Tories preparing for another snap election

Several people praying
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Word on the street is the Tories are preparing for another snap election. And how are they preparing, you ask? In the only way that makes sense at this point: by dropping to their knees and praying to God.

https://twitter.com/hourlyterrier/status/1043801622273503232

Problems

There are several things a political party can do to prepare for an election:

  • Develop a manifesto with broad appeal that won’t drive countless people to an early death.
  • Point to its previous successes in government – e.g. policies that helped people rather than driving them to an early death.
  • Coach its would-be PM into appearing human and not like some sort of lizard-robot cyborg.

For obvious reasons, the Tories can’t do any of these things. Instead, they’ll be:

  • Coming up with more slogans (e.g. ‘Strongerer and Stablerer’ or ‘Brexit Means I’m Loving It’).
  • Writing a manifesto that doesn’t directly state they’ll drive countless people to an early death, but certainly leaves that option open for the future.
  • Trying to think of a Corbyn smear they haven’t used yet (e.g. ‘Jeremy Corbyn’s beard used to be in Al-Qaeda’. Oh no, wait, they’ve used that).

Forsaken 

Although God doesn’t normally reply to people’s prayers, he has issued a statement to the Tory Party. It reads:

Dear fuckfaces,

When I said be nice to the poor, I wasn’t joking. I also wasn’t messing around when I said ‘an eye for an eye’, so expect some serious comeuppance when you get up here. I’m a complicated guy.

Read on...

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Love, God.

The Tories have since distanced themselves from the almighty. Or distanced themselves further, anyway. They’d already gone into a coalition with Satan some time ago.

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