Top Tories preparing for another snap election
Word on the street is the Tories are preparing for another snap election. And how are they preparing, you ask? In the only way that makes sense at this point: by dropping to their knees and praying to God.
https://twitter.com/hourlyterrier/status/1043801622273503232
Problems
There are several things a political party can do to prepare for an election:
- Develop a manifesto with broad appeal that won’t drive countless people to an early death.
- Point to its previous successes in government – e.g. policies that helped people rather than driving them to an early death.
- Coach its would-be PM into appearing human and not like some sort of lizard-robot cyborg.
For obvious reasons, the Tories can’t do any of these things. Instead, they’ll be:
- Coming up with more slogans (e.g. ‘Strongerer and Stablerer’ or ‘Brexit Means I’m Loving It’).
- Writing a manifesto that doesn’t directly state they’ll drive countless people to an early death, but certainly leaves that option open for the future.
- Trying to think of a Corbyn smear they haven’t used yet (e.g. ‘Jeremy Corbyn’s beard used to be in Al-Qaeda’. Oh no, wait, they’ve used that).
Forsaken
Although God doesn’t normally reply to people’s prayers, he has issued a statement to the Tory Party. It reads:
Dear fuckfaces,
When I said be nice to the poor, I wasn’t joking. I also wasn’t messing around when I said ‘an eye for an eye’, so expect some serious comeuppance when you get up here. I’m a complicated guy.
Read on...
Support us and go ad-freeLove, God.
The Tories have since distanced themselves from the almighty. Or distanced themselves further, anyway. They’d already gone into a coalition with Satan some time ago.
Get Involved!
– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.
– Join The Canary, so we can keep holding the powerful to account.
Featured image via pixabay / pixabay / pixabay / pixabay [IMAGE WAS ALTERED]
We know everyone is suffering under the Tories - but the Canary is a vital weapon in our fight back, and we need your support
The Canary Workers’ Co-op knows life is hard. The Tories are waging a class war against us we’re all having to fight. But like trade unions and community organising, truly independent working-class media is a vital weapon in our armoury.
The Canary doesn’t have the budget of the corporate media. In fact, our income is over 1,000 times less than the Guardian’s. What we do have is a radical agenda that disrupts power and amplifies marginalised communities. But we can only do this with our readers’ support.
So please, help us continue to spread messages of resistance and hope. Even the smallest donation would mean the world to us.
