May promises ‘opportunity for all’ (TERMS & CONDITIONS APPLY)

Theresa May’s speech is the mouse dropping on the dog turd that is the Conservative Party Conference. In previous years, she’s forgotten her words, slandered the Scout Association, and accidentally declared war on Norway.

This year, to avoid any more verbal spaghetti, she made sure to read out a lengthy ‘terms and conditions’ section.

T&Cs May apply

As she does, May promised:

Opportunity for all!

She then read out the small print of this promise at a speed which was only decipherable when slowed down six times:

The term ‘for all’ may not in fact apply to ‘all’, and inclusion in the bracket will be reliant on several factors. A person’s value will be determined by the following measures: ethnicity, age, geographical location, opinion on the comedy stylings of Jim Davidson, willingness to ignore the plight of others, ability to believe in austerity despite eight long years of failure, and a deep love for tweed.

A person’s worth will see points deducted for: protesting, complaining, looking like the sort of person who does either, speaking out against power, reading news sources that aren’t owned by billionaires, or becoming sick/disabled/pregnant.

Disasterclass

Towards the end of her speech, May was speaking so fast that no one has been able to decipher it – even when slowed down. It turns out there are so many people excluded by Tory policy that a forty minute speech isn’t enough to name them all.

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Featured image via YouTube [IMAGE WAS ALTERED]