May promises ‘opportunity for all’ (TERMS & CONDITIONS APPLY)

Theresa May saying: "Not you... or you... you can piss right off"
John Shafthauer

Theresa May’s speech is the mouse dropping on the dog turd that is the Conservative Party Conference. In previous years, she’s forgotten her words, slandered the Scout Association, and accidentally declared war on Norway.

This year, to avoid any more verbal spaghetti, she made sure to read out a lengthy ‘terms and conditions’ section.

T&Cs May apply

As she does, May promised:

Opportunity for all!

She then read out the small print of this promise at a speed which was only decipherable when slowed down six times:

The term ‘for all’ may not in fact apply to ‘all’, and inclusion in the bracket will be reliant on several factors. A person’s value will be determined by the following measures: ethnicity, age, geographical location, opinion on the comedy stylings of Jim Davidson, willingness to ignore the plight of others, ability to believe in austerity despite eight long years of failure, and a deep love for tweed.

A person’s worth will see points deducted for: protesting, complaining, looking like the sort of person who does either, speaking out against power, reading news sources that aren’t owned by billionaires, or becoming sick/disabled/pregnant.

Disasterclass

Towards the end of her speech, May was speaking so fast that no one has been able to decipher it – even when slowed down. It turns out there are so many people excluded by Tory policy that a forty minute speech isn’t enough to name them all.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

– Join The Canary, so we can keep holding the powerful to account.

Featured image via YouTube [IMAGE WAS ALTERED]

We need your help ...

The coronavirus pandemic is changing our world, fast. And we will do all we can to keep bringing you news and analysis throughout. But we are worried about maintaining enough income to pay our staff and minimal overheads.

Now, more than ever, we need a vibrant, independent media that holds the government to account and calls it out when it puts vested economic interests above human lives. We need a media that shows solidarity with the people most affected by the crisis – and one that can help to build a world based on collaboration and compassion.

We have been fighting against an establishment that is trying to shut us down. And like most independent media, we don’t have the deep pockets of investors to call on to bail us out.

Can you help by chipping in a few pounds each month?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed