The week in satire Vol. #89
And what a week it was!
A week in which Theresa May once more announced an end to austerity! A week in which the media took this claim at face value! And a week in which print sales continued to decline!
But what else happened?
Let’s look back and see:
May promises ‘opportunity for all’ (TERMS & CONDITIONS APPLY)
Theresa May’s speech is the mouse dropping on the dog turd that is the Conservative Party Conference. In previous years, she’s forgotten her words, slandered the Scout Association, and accidentally declared war on Norway.
This year, to avoid any more verbal spaghetti, she made sure to read out a lengthy ‘terms and conditions’ section.
Read on...
Support us and go ad-freeT&Cs May apply
As she does, May promised:
Opportunity for all!
She then read out the small print of this promise at a speed which was only decipherable when slowed down six times:
The term ‘for all’ may not in fact apply to ‘all’, and inclusion in the bracket will be reliant on several factors. A person’s value will be determined by the following measures: ethnicity, age, geographical location, opinion on the comedy stylings of Jim Davidson, willingness to ignore the plight of others, ability to believe in austerity despite eight long years of failure, and a deep love for tweed.
A person’s worth will see points deducted for: protesting, complaining, looking like the sort of person who does either, speaking out against power, reading news sources that aren’t owned by billionaires, or becoming sick/disabled/pregnant.
Disasterclass
Towards the end of her speech, May was speaking so fast that no one has been able to decipher it – even when slowed down. It turns out there are so many people excluded by Tory policy that a forty minute speech isn’t enough to name them all.
Liar promises to end austerity again but this time with dancing
Theresa May and the government before her have previously said austerity is ending. This was reported at the time, and although the media knows the same old lie is repackaged every year, they couldn’t help but become distracted, because LOOK, SHE DID A LITTLE FUCKING DANCE!
https://twitter.com/hourlyterrier/status/1047447590046973952
ABBA dabba F.U.
May came out jiving to Dancing Queen by ABBA. She then proceeded to:
- Talk nonsense.
- Remix Labour’s slogans.
- Offer nothing new.
- Claim austerity has worked despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
- Promise to end austerity (again (A-FUCKING-GAIN!))
This left newspaper editors with a dilemma:
Except – ha ha – no. Obviously there was no dilemma, no danger of it being framed as:
WOMAN AND PARTY WHO LIED TO US ABOUT ENDING THE MISERY THEY’RE INFLICTING MAKE SAME CLAIM AS LAST YEAR (AND THE YEAR BEFORE THAT (AND THE YEAR BEFORE THAT!))
No. How could that be the angle? SHE DID A LITTLE FUCKING DANCE.
It isn’t the media’s job to question those in power or highlight past wrongs. It’s the media’s job to point out SHE DANCED ONTO THE STAGE – LOOK AT HER FUCKING GO – DON’T LOOK AT THE AUSTERITY – LOOK AT THE MOVES – THIS IS STRICTLY COME CHANCING AND THEN SOME!
Balance
In the interest of balance, we should point out that Theresa May did do a little dance. As such, and with only 16 hours to prepare, it’s understandable that editors didn’t have time to put together better front pages with CRITICAL FUCKING ANALYSIS.
478 days apart. But the same headline. You can call this many things but journalism it is most definitely not. pic.twitter.com/wFyETWDCow
— Tory Fibs (@ToryFibs) October 3, 2018
Shafted disabled people unconvinced by Esther McVey’s claim that they’re ‘fake news’
Tory welfare boss Esther McVey has claimed that benefit cuts are “fake news”. She also insinuated that everyone accusing the Tories of “letting down the most vulnerable in society” was spreading lies.
There’s a problem with her claims, though. Namely that the people accusing the government of targeting the most vulnerable are often – you guessed it – the most vulnerable.
Fake ‘fake news’
Off The Perch caught up with some of these alleged disabled liars. A woman named Karen told us:
I went on a protest with hundreds of other disabled people. Or maybe I didn’t? It’s hard to say – maybe we all imagined it, or maybe the pictures from the day were photoshopped? Maybe I’m not even disabled? Maybe I’m not even real?
The belief that many disabled people aren’t real is shared by the Department for Work and Pensions (DWP). They’ve been trying to prove this theory by – for example – telling tetraplegic people they’re fit to work. It turned out many disabled people did cease to exist when the government started treating them this way. As such, the idea that the government has driven disabled people to death is far from ‘fake news’.
Real issues
Michael, another disabled person, told us:
I was happy when I heard cuts to disabled people were fake news. Turns out all my sanctions are still in place, though, and I’m continuing to get less now than a year ago.
I’m starting to suspect Esther McVey isn’t very honest.
The DWP responded to these accusations by releasing several statements which were at best confusing, on average besides the point, and at worst total horseshit.
Poor people love their sh*tty zero-hour jobs, claim capitalist pigs
Some people like having zero-hour contracts. They enable a person to maintain a balance between their work and social life. But this statement overlooks low-paid jobs and the fact that:
PEOPLE WITH FUCK ALL MONEY OR JOB SECURITY CAN’T AFFORD A SOCIAL LIFE!
I guess you think that the 65% of people who are happy with their zero hours contracts and work life balance (compared to 58% of all workers) are either stupid or evil then? https://t.co/QizYhKNmmQ
— Tom Harwood (@tomhfh) October 4, 2018
Confusion
There’s a willful attempt here to confuse things. On the one hand, we have:
- People with good jobs who can afford to maintain a situation in which they aren’t guaranteed work every day.
These people are 
.
The other group are:
- People who have zero-hour contracts because their employer realised it gives them the freedom to not give employees work whenever they feel like earning a bit more money.
These people are 
.
When people talk about the issues with zero-hour contracts, they are talking about those who are . Pointing to the people as evidence there’s no problem is like using the autobahn as proof that motorists should be able to do 120mph in a school zone.
….Isabel Oakeshott = should not only take a zero hour contract, but try one on minimum wage! #questiontime #BBCqt
*I am sick of the #BBC trotting out & advocating for right wing borderline fascists
— Art of Kuriology (@strangecurios) October 5, 2018
Transparent
Of course, there’s a very good reason why the right wing tell us we love shitty jobs. It’s because they know people are on to them, and that leaves two options:
- Fix the problem.
- Lie through their fucking teeth.
Although if you’re a Tory, that’s really only one option.
The Observer gives known centrist fraudster a platform to defraud centrists
Theresa May is the UK’s most notorious defrauder of centrists. Although she’s always loved a bit of it, she’s been defrauding the political centre on a grand scale since 2016. Despite that, no one at the Observer recognised her when she walked into their offices:
https://twitter.com/hourlyterrier/status/1048835345108914176
Serious fraud
The geniuses at the Observer didn’t just give May a column – they put her on the front page:
According to a cleaner at the Observer offices:
I was getting on with my job when I saw that famous political conwoman walk in. I went up to the paper’s editor and said, ‘That’s her – that’s the woman who conned all them voters into thinking she was the moderate option!’
I had a picture and everything, but this editor says, ‘Don’t be silly. This conwoman you’re showing me isn’t wearing a hat, and the person we’re about to interview clearly is.’
For the grifters
Once in the Observer offices, May penned an article that promised:
- The country is only 45 minutes away from centrism!
- The PM will discover who caused the hostile environment and give them a jolly good talking to!
- A number of new homes will be built that may contain some of the same numbers as the amount of houses actually needed!
Despite this obvious embarrassment, the Observer has stood by their ‘journalism’. This was doubly embarrassing, as May had swiped their trousers – leaving them standing there with their underpants on show.
Get Involved!
– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.
– Join The Canary, so we can keep holding the powerful to account.
Featured image via John Shafthauer / Roger Blackwell – Flickr / YouTube / YouTube / screengrab / / [IMAGE WAS ALTERED]
Support us and go ad-free
We know everyone is suffering under the Tories - but the Canary is a vital weapon in our fight back, and we need your support
The Canary Workers’ Co-op knows life is hard. The Tories are waging a class war against us we’re all having to fight. But like trade unions and community organising, truly independent working-class media is a vital weapon in our armoury.
The Canary doesn’t have the budget of the corporate media. In fact, our income is over 1,000 times less than the Guardian’s. What we do have is a radical agenda that disrupts power and amplifies marginalised communities. But we can only do this with our readers’ support.
So please, help us continue to spread messages of resistance and hope. Even the smallest donation would mean the world to us.
