The week in satire Vol. #73

John Shafthauer

And what a week it was!

A week in which Labour Live went live! A week in which an undead-looking Tory was seen creeping about the festival with mirrors on his shoes! And a week in which the government looked increasingly dead on its feet!

But what else happened?

Start your day with The Canary News Digest

Fresh and fearless; get excellent independent journalism from The Canary, delivered straight to your inbox every morning.

Let’s look back and see!

Donald Trump saying to Kim Jong-un: "Justin Trudeau was very unfair to me. Did you see me on The Apprentice? I have the best words" - US releases discussion points for the Trump / Kim summitUS releases discussion points for the Trump / Kim summit

by John Shafthauer

Continue reading below...

Summits like the one between Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un usually take months of careful planning – primarily to avoid either party attaining a benefit the other hadn’t anticipated.

The fact that the Trump/Kim summit has been arranged on the fly shouldn’t concern you, however. It’s the fact that Trump couldn’t stick to a plan even if he had one that’s the biggest worry. Although the US does at least have some potential talking points.

Chatty man

According to the White House, Trump intends to:

  • Ask if Kim follows President Trump on Twitter.
  • Have a discussion about all the people who were very unfair to President Trump.
  • Golf.
  • Compare hands to prove President Trump doesn’t have weirdly small extremities.
  • Discuss some other people who were very unfair to President Trump.
  • Offer a lengthy description of the size of President Trump’s inauguration crowd.
  • Break for colouring-in time.
  • Discuss even more people who were very unfair to President Trump.
  • Golf again.
  • Have a further break for nap time.
  • Give a scene-by-scene breakdown of President Trump’s most hated Saturday Night Live sketches.
  • Break for executive time.
  • Hiss like a bobcat at the gathered media for 20 minutes.
  • Break for Covfefe time.
  • Have a no-holds-barred conversation about the relationship of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart.
  • Discuss nuclear disarmament (if there’s time).

Uh oh

If you’re worried that Trump will actually discuss all these points, you shouldn’t be. The man is incapable of sticking to a plan.

If anything, he’ll talk about something worse.

Nigel Farage, Andy Wigmore, and Arron Banks in the LBC studio‘Brexit Bad Boys’ interview themselves to confirm they didn’t collude with Russia

by John Shafthauer

The ‘Bad Boys of Brexit’ are called that because they called themselves that, and there’s nothing cooler than coming up with your own nickname.

Another thing they’ve decided to do for themselves is prove they didn’t collude with Russia. Namely by interrogating themselves on Nigel Farage’s LBC radio show.

The British media, ladies and gentlemen

The conversation was held between Nigel Farage, Arron Banks, and Andy Wigmore:

FARAGE: So – the big question on everyone’s mind is this: did we do it?

BANKS: No.

WIGMORE: No we didn’t.

FARAGE: Well, that’s that sorted. What else would you like to talk about?

BANKS: I think it’s important everyone knows the Remainiacs are only saying we colluded with Russia because they hacked the emails we were hiding .

WIGMORE: Not ‘hiding’, Arron.

BANKS: Oh yeah. I mean those emails we were not hiding. But anyway, if you don’t wanna hear about us colluding with Russians, maybe don’t hack our emails, yeah?

WIGMORE: Not ‘colluding’, Arron.

BANKS: Oh yeah. I meant not colluding.

FARAGE: So in summary, would you agree we’re being subjected to a witch-hunt?

BANKS: Definitely. Just let the witches get on with it – that’s what I say.

WIGMORE: No, Arron, the point of the saying is to imply the person conducting the witch-hunt has given into baseless paranoia.

BANKS: Wasn’t Baseless Paranoia the name of that club they took us to in Siberia?

WIGMORE: *PUTS HEAD IN HANDS*

FARAGE: Well, that clears that up. No collusion whatsoever!

Scrutiny 

For anyone worrying this is pretty dubious journalistic standards, don’t worry, because the Bad Boys may still have to deal with the courts. It’s just that post-Brexit, the justice system will be run by the Daily Express.

Donald Trump asking "Have you tried making Mexico pay for it?" Trump Brexit planPresident Trump hands his Brexit plan over to Boris Johnson

by John Shafthauer

Boris Johnson recently suggested President Trump take over Brexit for us. Although Theresa May wasn’t too happy about the idea:

Regardless of May’s concerns, Trump has now provided us with what he described as:

The best breakfast plan ever [sic]. Seriously.

Thanks

The hastily scribbled plan came written on the back of a cheeseburger wrapper. It advised:

  1. Tell those sneaky Eurotrash that if they don’t give in to your demands, you’ll separate from mainland Europe. Threaten to build a sea between England and France, and tell them Belgium is paying for it.
  2. Isn’t Harry Potter British? Can he cast a spell at that angry European woman who doesn’t like me? I think her name is Theresa May.
  3. Tell the EU they’re all big losers, and you don’t need them anyway, because your buddy America will look out for you. What you don’t know is that we’re gonna turn your country into a Trump-brand golf course – ha ha ha [THIS SECOND PART WAS SCRIBBLED OUT BUT STILL QUITE CLEARLY LEGIBLE].
  4. I’ll be honest – I’m not entirely sure what the EU is. That’s a good thing, though. Facts will slow you down!
  5. Don’t leave without getting the oil.
  6. Hmm, I need to ask Donald Trump Jr. why I started this list.
  7. I wonder what Stormy Daniels is up to these days? I had sex with her, you know. Bigly.
  8. I’ll have ketchup on all of that, thanks.
  9. Love Donald Trump (The President).

All proposals 

The UK’s Brexit team is said to be considering Trump’s suggestions. Although they are worried the plan is a bit too detailed for them.

Cartoon of Iain Duncan Smith and Esther McVey talking‘Universal Credit’ to be renamed ‘Scarce Merit’ by Trading Standards

by John Shafthauer

To call Universal Credit a total disaster would be an insult to total disasters everywhere, but only because it hasn’t rolled out enough to qualify yet. It has notably been disastrous for those afflicted by it, and would be a full-on cluster-fuck if it went universal.

Despite the Department for Work and Pensions’ (DWP) failings at rolling out this failure, Trading Standards has seen enough. And that’s why it’s insisting the DWP changes the name.

Can’t even get the name right 

Trading Standards took issue with both parts of the ‘Universal Credit’ name. It explained:

UNIVERSAL: The problem with saying this scheme is universal is that it isn’t. In reality, Universal Credit is rarer than a Tory with a conscience. Well – maybe not that rare. They did all vote for Universal Credit, after all.

CREDIT: The problem with implying people will be credited is that far too often they’re not. Apparently, the purpose was to make the entire system fairer and more balanced. In reality, the only thing it’s stabilising is the number of sick and disabled who can’t afford to live. The problem is it’s increasing such injustices rather than decreasing them.

As such, we feel the scheme should henceforth be named ‘Scarce Merit’ – a name that neatly sums up its total lack of validity, purpose, or success.

Proponents

Of course, there are still those who defend Universal Credit. His name is Iain Duncan Smith, and he told us:

Having no money is the quickest way out of poverty for people who can’t work. Trust me.

Duncan Smith then proceeded to eat a beetle that crawled out of his suit – licking at it with his long, forked tongue.

“You can’t be poor if you’re dead,” he added cheerfully.

In response, we flicked holy water at him until he left the building.

Tommy Robinson behind barsRight-wingers are now concerned that prisons aren’t soft enough

by John Shafthauer

Right wingers often complain that prisons are too soft; ‘lags’ are too coddled, and justice is too wishy-washy.

Or at least they do until someone they like gets sent down, anyway. Which is why they’ve all been complaining so much since Stephen Yaxley-Lennon (a.k.a. Tommy Robinson) was imprisoned.

Free Stevie

One tabloid bigmouth had this to say:

Contrary to my previous 15,000 articles on the matter, I now realise prisons are TOO TOUGH! These prisoners aren’t being given enough Sky Sports; their feelings are too often going unconsidered, and their sentences are too unreasonable!

The #FreeStevie campaign, meanwhile, has demanded the following:

  • Little Stevie be wrapped in cotton wool for the remainder of his sentence.
  • All prisoners be given padded mittens to prevent harmful fisticuffs.
  • Work shifts to be replaced by hugs and beanbag time.
  • 24 hour Joni Mitchell over the prison tannoy.
  • Prison drugs to be replaced by prison kittens.

Lag up

Of course, there are many good reasons to reform the prison system. Not least because more progressive prisons manage to prevent crime, whereas privatised revenge fortresses only serve to increase it.

Still though, that’s why actual reform is a good idea. Moaning that prisons are too tough every time some dipshit repeat offender gets imprisoned, however, isn’t about reform. It’s about being a crybaby.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

– Join The Canary, so we can keep holding the powerful to account.

Featured image via Kim Wing Summialo / WikimediaLBC – YouTubeGage Skidmore – Flickr / Irinawave – WikimediaChris McAndrew – Wikimedia / Chirs McAndrew – WikimediaYouTube / Pixabay / Pixabay / Wikimedia

Since you're here ...

We know you don't need a lecture. You wouldn't be here if you didn't care.
Now, more than ever, we need your help to challenge the rightwing press and hold power to account. Please help us survive and thrive.

The Canary Support

Comments are closed

John Shafthauer