The week in satire Vol. #83

And what a week it was!

A week in which Labour planned to liberate journalism from the claw-like grip of billionaires! A week in which privileged journalists claimed there was no privilege-bias in journalism despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary! And a week in which it became obvious that stupidity was a bigger problem in the media than entitlement!

But what else happened?

Let’s look back and see:

Capitalists warn that robots taking our jobs could lead to the end of drudgery and capitalism

by John Shafthauer

In the past, humanity dreamed of a future in which robots did all the work. Now that this future is nearly upon us, it’s somehow turned into a nightmare. And the reason for that is…

…err…

…hmm…

…why are we upset about losing all our shit jobs again?

End of the line

We spoke to the famous capitalist Putro T. Moneybags to find out what’s going on:

People can already see capitalism is working against them; they just don’t have time to do anything about it. Imagine if the wage slaves had 40 hours a week free!

We’ve got a plan, though. We’re going to tell people the robots are ‘stealing’ their jobs, and pit them against the machines. When they smash the robots in protest, we’ll put them to work repairing them, and charge them for the parts. Capitalism wins again!

Or not

Leading German communist Toppy Marx has other ideas:

The robots will do the work, and the liberated workers will eat the capitalists.

In other words, we could be looking at a real utopia.

Miracle as woman survives ten hours on the Tories’ so-called ‘living wage’

by John Shafthauer

When George ‘economy bro’ Osborne introduced the ‘national living wage’, he:

1. Took the concept of a ‘living wage’ – the idea that there’s an amount of money a person must earn before they’re not in poverty.
2. Applied it to a wage that was below this amount.

Despite the fact that it’s impossible to – you know – live off the ‘national living wage’, one woman has somehow managed it.

Although, saying that, lots of people manage it – largely because they have to. This woman was otherwise rich, though, so more worthy of attention.

Ordeal

Camillia Updo relayed the following story of woe:

Due to an error at the advertising company I work at, I was only paid the national living wage for a week’s work – that’s £313! I’d planned on spending that much on Prosecco and tickets to see Mumford and Sons.

I was in the supermarket when I checked my bank balance and realised what happened. It gave me this weird feeling – like I actually had to think about what I was going to spend my money on.

When I subtracted rent, bills, and travel from the £313, I realised I only had £8 left! I asked a shop boy what I could survive on for that little, and he advised beans. I was confused by this, as he pointed me towards some cylinders made of tin. I was later informed that the beans were inside the cylinders, but I’ve so far been unable to liberate them.

All’s well that pays well

After livestreaming herself trying to open a tin of beans with a rock, Updo received help. This help came from a number of wealthy, middle-class types who decided it was inhumane for an actual, proper person to be living under such intolerable conditions.

Updo is now recovering in an East London cocktail lounge.

Faith in humanity restored.

Journalists who’ve thrived in corporate media defend corporate media

by John Shafthauer

Most people find out the media is owned by a handful of billionaires and think:

That sounds like an incredibly bad idea.

Although journalists are tasked with holding the powerful to account, however, they don’t seem to notice this issue themselves – largely because the people who notice it aren’t the sort of people the corporate media promotes.

Evolution

We spoke to a biologist who explained how the UK has evolved a media with zero ability to self-analyse:

What’s happened is a form of natural selection. The environment these journalists find themselves in is one of corporate media. The ones who adapt to this environment are the ones who thrive. The ones who don’t are kicked out and treated like lunatics.

It’s like cave-dwelling lizards. They’re all blind, because they don’t need to see. If you stick a regular lizard down there, they question why it’s dark and then leave.

Adaptation

Jeremy Corbyn has suggested that journalism could be funded by taxing the tech giants. Of course, a lot of journalists are scared by the prospect. They’ve adapted to the corporate media. Transplanting them into a writers’ room that wasn’t primarily motivated by protecting its rich owners would be like throwing a leopard off a cliff and expecting it to fly.

Still, though, journalism needs to change. Because the inbred mess it is right now is an evolutionary dead end.

Trump claims vultures circling over the White House are ‘American eagles’

by John Shafthauer

To the outsider looking in, it appears that President Trump is up shit creek without a brain cell. His former lawyer is accusing him of criminality; other ex-employees are making deals of their own or heading to prison. As such, the vultures are circling.

Unless you believe Trump, of course, who claims:

I’m told they’re eagles. American eagles. I have the best birds.

Hello darkness my old friend 

In a rambling, four-hour speech to his supporters, Trump claimed:

People say they’re vultures; I don’t see vultures. Do you see vultures? I think it’s fake news.

Trump later went on to say:

You know, vultures get a bad rap, but I like them. They tell you that vultures prey on the weak, but what if the weak had it coming? We don’t know. All I’m saying is, let’s give vultures a chance.

He eventually looped back around to the subject and concluded:

If it was up to me – and it is – vultures would be the national American bird. They don’t tell you this, but eagles are not a good choice. We really got screwed on that one. The rest of the world sends us these terrible, terrible birds, and we accept them like idiots. No more!

Cuckoo

Despite his insistence that changing the national bird was his top priority, Trump has been waylaid with another emerging scandal. His supporters, meanwhile, have been going out and hurling rocks at eagles.

It’s called ‘patriotism’.

Cabinet split over exactly how sh*t no-deal Brexit will be

by John Shafthauer

The cabinet is split on no-deal Brexit. Some think it will spell the end of humanity as we know it; others believe a plucky cadre of millionaires will escape the fallout and harness the mutants who survive as serfs.

No one is saying it will have obvious or immediate benefits anymore.

Debate 

The leader of the anti-no-deal Tories said:

No deal will be incredibly bad for the poor people in Britain, and that isn’t right. We shouldn’t be damning these people in one fell swoop; we should be systematically making their lives worse by driving down wages and opportunities.

The leader of the pro-no-deal Brexiteers countered:

Let them eat rats!

When asked to expand on this point, he said:

Look, if people haven’t had the sense to move their money offshore, I don’t know what to tell them. We moved our wealth out of the country pretty much immediately – did people think we were giving our money a holiday or something?

Jacob Rees-Mogg added:

Let’s not forget that everyone’s favourite pop act Busted travelled to the year 3000. They said not much had changed, but we all lived underwater, and someone’s great-great-great-granddaughter was ‘pretty fine’.

If that doesn’t convince you Brexit will work out in the end, I don’t know what will.

Backlash

Rees-Mogg received criticism for his defence. Largely from Brexiteers, who said it was “too believable”.

Apparently it isn’t a proper Brexit argument if it sounds like it could almost make sense.

Mysterious crop circles attributed to Theresa May

by John Shafthauer

Theresa May is the most notorious crop-befouler Great Britain has ever known. Known as the ‘Somerset devil’ or the ‘Sussex scourge’, she famously heads out every summer and tears through fields of wheat.

This year, her devilry has a message.

SOS

May’s usual style is total decimation – the same style she’s deployed at the Home Office and Downing Street. This year, she’s been writing messages, which have read:

THEY WON’T LET ME QUIT! THEY PUT A TAG ON ME, AND I GET AN ELECTRIC SHOCK EVERY TIME I SAY SOMETHING WRONG!

and:

JACOB REES-MOGG MAKES ME IRON HIS TROUSERS! ANNA SOUBRY EATS HER KEBABS IN MY OFFICE SO THE SMELL DOESN’T STINK UP HERS!

and:

I CAN’T DELIVER BRAXIT! AT THIS POINT, I CAN BARELY EVEN SPELL IT!

and:

I CONSIDERED DEFILING A PIG’S HEAD TO DESTROY MY REPUTATION, BUT I’M WORRIED NO ONE WOULD THINK ANY LESS OF ME!

and:

I KNOW IT’S HYPOCRITICAL, BUT IF ANY ALIENS ARE READING THIS, I’D REALLY LIKE TO MIGRATE TO YOUR PLANET! THERE’S A HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT DOWN HERE – AND NOT THE GOOD KIND!

No sympathy

When one farmer was asked if he felt sorry for the Somerset devil, he responded by saying:

No.

He further added:

Fuck her.

The victims of her many terrible policies have voiced similar sentiments.

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Featured image via pixabay / British Red Cross – Flickr / Sutha Kamal – Flickr / pxhere / pxhere / pixabay / Pixabay / screengrab [IMAGE WAS ALTERED]