The week in satire Vol. #92

And what a week it was!

A week in which they had to stop fracking because of earth tremors! A week in which the fracking companies said earth tremors are a normal part of fracking! And a week in which we said “WE KNOW THEY ARE – THAT’S WHY WE WANT YOU TO STOP FUCKING FRACKING!”

But what else happened?

Let’s look back and see:

Nick Clegg takes Facebook into coalition with the Matrix

by John Shafthauer

Facebook has employed Nick Clegg. True to form, the former Lib Dem leader has pushed for the company to go into coalition with a larger, more malevolent force. This time, it’s the Matrix.

Free labour

That Facebook offered Clegg a job surprised many. It turns out he’s been doing pro-bono work for years, though – like this article from 2017:

Read on...

https://twitter.com/hourlyterrier/status/1053254941282852865

Enter the Matrix

Once in, Clegg looked at the problems Facebook finds itself dealing with:

• Users’ privacy concerns.
• Fear that malevolent bots have overrun the site.
• Worry that there are too many/not enough Keanu Reeves fan pages.

The savvy Clegg observed the situation and suggested:

Why don’t we jump into bed with the Matrix?

This coalition offers a solution to the privacy issue, as the Matrix will trick people into thinking they have privacy. The Matrix can also disguise the fact it exists, and tailor the frequency of Keanu Reeves to users’ preferences.

The downside is the Matrix will suck the life out of its users. This is also what the coalition government did – it will be more efficient this time, as they’ll use tubes instead of austerity.

Here we go again

Many have criticised Clegg’s suggestions – especially the one that uploading pictures should cost £9,000 a year. On the other hand, people dislike the social media giant as much as they dislike Clegg.

As such, if they want to tank the last of their credibility working together, who are we to stand in their way?

With 24 hours to defuse Brexit and MPs out to get her, May brings in Jack Bauer

by John Shafthauer

Tory MPs have given May 24 hours to defuse the Brexit mess she created. One of them figuratively threatened to stab her, which is a big no-no in politics this week:

When Jess Phillips threatens to "stab Jeremy Corbyn in the front" it's just a metaphor. When an anonymous Tory MP says the same about Theresa May it's "vile and dehumanising language". But it's definitely only a metaphor when Chuka Umunna describes Corbyn supporters as "dogs". https://t.co/5FmdBgh8JQ

— Hajo Meyer's Violin (@WarmongerHodges) October 22, 2018

Fearing disaster, May called in someone with experience of confusing situations and specific deadlines: Jack Bauer.

24:00

OTP has predicted how things will shake out:

• 0:00: May tells Bauer to produce a list of suspicious members of parliament. Following a brief Wikipedia search, he flags 95% of sitting MPs. The police lockdown parliament in response.
• 5:00: Following four hours of interviews, Bauer is yet to get a straight answer. He suspects Boris Johnson is speaking in olde English and requests a translator. While waiting, the lights turn off.
• 9:00: Bauer finds himself strapped to a table surrounded by a gaggle of masked MPs. The American agent expects to be tortured, and thinks to himself, “Oh yeah, here comes the good stuff, baby.” The MPs have little experience with non-austerity-based torture, and go at him with a stapler. After several moments of mild distress, they realise it’s out of staples.
• 11:00: Bauer restores power in parliament. He’s narrowed down the list of potential rogue MPs to mere hundreds.
• 15:00: It’s Bauer’s turn to do some torturing. Boris Johnson spills the beans, but Bauer still doesn’t know what a ‘figpiddler’ is.
• 19:00: Bauer reports to May. He walks in on her shredding Brexit impact assessments, and realises she used him as cover for this nefarious scheme.
• 21:00: Having quit the job, Bauer finds himself in a Nando’s. Through a combination of sleep deprivation, the ketamine he was injected with at one point, and his meal’s unexpected cheekiness, Bauer has a mental breakdown and goes on a rampage.
• 23:00: Bauer takes to the comment section of the Plymouth Herald to make baseless insinuations about an MP’s significant other.
• 24:00: May still doesn’t have a plan/clue/hope.

Tommy Robinson’s freedom to not be called a ‘bellend’ under threat

by John Shafthauer

Stephen Yaxley-Lennon (aka Tommy Robinson) has used recent media appearances to claim his freedom of speech is under threat. But is it? Or is it just his freedom to speak without someone calling him a bellend? A ‘freedom’ which doesn’t actually exist.

Examining hate

Let’s look at the ‘freedom of speech’ issues he’s faced:

• YAXLEY-LENNON INTERVIEWED ON TV ABOUT NOT HAVING ANY FREEDOM OF SPEECH: Clearly not a violation. You can see his lips moving and everything.
• YAXLEY-LENNON ARRESTED FOR ALLEGEDLY RISKING A MISTRIAL: Talking about political concerns when committing a crime doesn’t excuse the crime. If it did, that would be a pretty big loophole. A person could get away with murder or horse-napping by simply reading out Das Kapital during the act.
• YAXLEY-LENNON CALLED A ‘BELLEND’ FOR CONSTANTLY CLAIMING YOU CAN’T CLAIM ANYTHING THESE DAYS: As long as it doesn’t constitute hate speech or incitement, Yaxley-Lennon has the right to say whatever he wants. Equally, people have the right to call him a ‘bellend’. That’s what he has a problem with. It’s not freedom of speech he wants – it’s freedom from criticism.

Bullshit 

Yaxley-Lennon’s tactics are pretty obvious and well worn. Despite that, many in the media think we should continually take him at face value. Funny how xenophobia is still up for debate, but something like cannibalism isn’t.

Heroic Americans defeat goats

As Hollywood movies have taught us, Americans don’t lead the world for nothing. Their frontier past has filled them with a rugged courage unmatched by any other nation. This was obvious when two Americans travelled to a Scottish island to battle nature’s deadliest terror: GOATS!

Goat to hell

Goats are a well-known menace in the British Isles. Here’s a video showing a murder of goats savaging a defenceless woman (VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED):

This goat attempts to tear a woman’s face off with its spoon-sharp hooves (VIEWER DISCRETION IS STRONGLY RECOMMENDED):

Goats are also well known for tenderising the meat of their prey before eating them alive (VIEWERS JUST SHOULDN’T WATCH THIS):

Heroism is a strong word

The brave Americans who slew these fell beasts said:

It’s a real David and Goliath story. Just better, because this time America won!

An increasingly muddled President Trump also weighed in:

They’ve got real issues with goats in the UK. Big problem! Some of these suckers grow 10ft tall. My son got his first real erection slaying a goat.

Someone pointed out the UK actually has little issue with goats and sheep beyond occasional nibbling. Trump decried this as:

Fake ewes!

People vs Nature 

At the end of the day, it’s easy to make fun of professional hunters, but ask yourself this: would you have the courage to shoot a goat with a high-powered rifle from a distance of several hundreds of metres away?

I didn’t think so.

Fracking pauses to give government time to draft pro-earthquake pamphlets

by John Shafthauer

The fracking operation in Lancashire has paused due to earth tremors. Primarily because the government needs time to whip up promotional materials that explain why earthquakes are good for us.

Make no mistake people of the North – they’re fracking whether you like it or not.

Frack to no future

The government is putting together a package explaining why fracking is cool. It will include a video in which Theresa May does one of those hideous dances on a shaking table. While the simulated earthquakes trembles her slightly, she cries:

Quake’s up, dudes!

It will go on to show some kids setting fire to their tap water as if it were some sort of toy science experiment. Originally, the government planned to follow this with a bit about how flammable water could save on winter fuel. The government removed it after energy companies complained it would make selling their filthy shale gas more difficult.

Frack off/rip off

Part of the promotional pamphlet will suggest the government should be charging us for these exciting earth movements. Unfortunately, Philip Hammond saw this and decided to include an ‘earthquake tax’ in tomorrow’s budget.

It’s already being described as the ‘shake, rattle, and poll tax’.

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Featured image via David Spender – Wikimedia / SVG Silh / Pixabay / Maurice – Wikimedia / Friskytune – Wikimedia / YouTube / screengrab / screengrab / pxhere / pixabay / Pexels (IMAGE WAS ALTERED)