And what a week it was!
A week in which America declared a trade war! A week in which Brexiteers claimed leaving the world’s biggest trading bloc would leave us less vulnerable to Trump’s random impulses! And a week in which manufacturers prepared for the worst!
But what else happened?
Let’s look back and see:
Tories respond to calls for a Northern Ireland abortion referendum
The Republic of Ireland voted overwhelmingly in favour of women having control over their own bodies last week. But Theresa May has been reluctant to comment on the result, primarily as she doesn’t have control over her own body. And she hasn’t since she agreed to become the DUP’s political puppet.
Performing monkey
The DUP’s Arlene Foster is against Northern Ireland leaving UK rule. That isn’t to say she accepts being ruled by the UK government – something she made very clear when she agreed to prop up May’s coalition of strength and stability.
This is why the Tories are unable to interfere on any issue that’s important to the DUP. These issues include:
- Ensuring women in Northern Ireland have fewer rights than women in the rest of the UK / the West / parts of what the DUP might still call ‘the third world’.
- Insisting Jurassic Park movies have on-screen disclaimers clarifying that dinosaurs weren’t real.
- Only legalising gay marriage if they’re allowed to blame it for climate change (which also isn’t real).
Heads in the sand
It’s increasingly hard to justify Northern Ireland’s abortion laws when both the UK and Republic of Ireland have moved into the 21st century. The Tories need to keep their shambolic government propped up, however, which is why they’ve developed a solution: not justifying them.
This is why several high-profile government ministers have literally buried their heads in the ground. This planned strategy is likely to persist for the next fortnight – causing one commentator to remark:
It’s bad news for abortion laws, but at least they can’t fuck anything else up for the next two weeks.
Satan loses lucrative DWP contract after failing to meet targets
The Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) doesn’t handle assessments itself. Possibly because outside organisations are more efficient (they aren’t). Possibly because it shields the DWP from direct criticism (it does).
One of the DWP’s longest-standing contractors has been none other than the devil himself. But a recent review has shown that even he failed to meet the DWP’s targets.
Department for Wailing and Penalties
The review showed that Satan displayed the following characteristics:
- EMPATHY: 1%
- REASONABLENESS: 3%
- REGARD FOR REALITY: 4%
- LIKELIHOOD TO INFLICT CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENTS: 99%
These scores are way off from the government guidelines, however; guidelines which advise that assessors should show:
- EMPATHY: -1,000%
- REASONABLENESS: No.
- REGARD FOR REALITY: Ideally not. Just take drugs if you’re struggling.
- LIKELIHOOD TO INFLICT CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENTS: ∞%
Better the devil you don’t know
Satan responded to his unceremonious firing with the following statement:
I’m just surprised, you know? I’ve had a great relationship with the Tories for decades, and it’s a shame to see it go to hell.
Thankfully, I’ve heard that Richard Branson is hiring. I’m not sure if I’m going to apply for Virgin Rail or Virgin Care, but I imagine a lot of fun either way.
Dark arts
The DWP also responded. Namely when one of the department’s dark practitioners decapitated a ceremonial chicken in front of us.
It’s unclear who’ll be taking over from Satan. The frontrunners so far include George Osborne’s coke dealer, and the guy who sharpens Iain Duncan Smith’s teeth.
Irish border issue to be solved with 10-mile-wide ‘Mad Max zone’
There’ve been many Brexit questions about how the Irish border issue will be resolved.
Well, not so much questions. It’s more a case of one group saying:
Our plan is to come up with a solution.
And the other group saying:
Oh, fuck off.
An answer has now been found though. Namely, a 10-mile-wide border referred to as the ‘Mad Max zone’.
As much sense as anything else
Dave Davis, the man who came up with the plan, had this to say:
Our original plan was to create an area in which both EU laws and British laws applied. We couldn’t work out how anyone would leave the zone though, as we still hadn’t invented magic.
As such, we just kind of thought, ‘wouldn’t it be fun if the zone had no laws whatsoever – like in that Mad Max film?’
According to Davis, the border will be classified as foreign soil. The plan is for lorries entering the Mad Max zone to be attacked by raiders. Once their goods have been raided, they will no longer be classified as ‘produce’, and instead categorised as ‘booty’.
This creates an opportunity, as it’s legal for anyone with enough influence to loot foreign entities. This follows the precedent set by the Iraq war/Starbucks. And it will see the UK and Ireland regularly invading the Mad Max zone to reclaim the portion of their goods that haven’t been eaten by starved, wasteland barbarians.
Err?
Of course, there are some problems with the idea. For starters, a trial run of the scheme saw 17 lorry drivers being brutally murdered. It was also a much lengthier process than simply having a murderless border.
Finding people to live as raiders has also been difficult. Which is somewhat surprising, really. Because if people didn’t want to live in a dystopian hell-scape, why vote for a Tory Brexit in the first place?
Angry middle-aged men boycott Lush following spy-cops campaign
For years, the kingdom of Great Britain has been spying on its own citizens. Primarily as said citizens do bestial things like fighting against climate change or animal cruelty.
The soap company Lush tried to raise awareness of this issue. In the process, though, the chain alienated its most loyal demographic of shoppers: angry middle-aged men.
Bubbles
We spoke to some of the raging-dads who will be boycotting Lush.
Frank Franks
“I was popping down to Lush to buy myself a nice bath bomb when I saw the cop protest in the window. I couldn’t believe it. How am I supposed to enjoy the Mail in the bath now I know Lush are a bunch of lefty activists?”
Tobias Youngington
“They said the campaign was to raise awareness of dubious undercover police. Well, that’s backfired, hasn’t it? Or at least that’s what the tabloid front-pages I read this morning said, anyway.”
Keith Sandwich
“EVER SINCE THEY JAILED TOMMY ROBINSON I CAN’T REMEMBER IF WE LIKE THE POLICE OR NOT, BUT IF SOME PC SOAP-MONGER SAID IT, I’M AGAINST IT!”
Tabloid poutrage
The tabloids’ defence of the police is largely situational. When it comes to proportioning blame for rising crime, they usually side with the government. When it comes to elements of the force behaving criminally, they go after whoever pointed out the criminality.
Almost as if they’re magnetically attracted to badness.
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Featured image via Peter – Flickr / Fox – Wikimedia / Max Pixel / pxhere / Max Pixel / Mabuska – Wikimedia
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