And what a week it was!
A week in which the government argued that bills it introduced on purpose aren’t its fault! A week in which people realised predictable, racist policies lead to predictably racist results! And a week in which everyone who voted for said policies were somehow shocked by the results!
But what else happened?
Let’s look back and see:
‘Axis of illegal’ vows unsanctioned strikes against anyone breaking international law
International laws were set up to put an end to global insecurity. They allow us to challenge unconscionable behaviour. For example, if Wales was to invade Brazil, the international community could say:
No. Stop it.
Or if Australia was to trap its citizens in giant hamster wheels that powered the Sydney Opera House, the UN could counter:
Bad, Australia!
But what if warnings aren’t enough?
Or what if you just can’t be bothered moving through proper channels? Because you’re worried you’ll lose the 24-hour news cycle, and you want to strike while the tabloids are hot?
The self-styled ‘axis of illegal’ has worked out the answer to that:
The only way to stop an international criminal is to become an international criminal.
Okie dokie
Some have questioned whether ignoring international laws will somewhat diminish our credibility as upholders of them.
Prime minister Theresa May answered:
Let me be clear, this strike was a strike against targets we deemed strikeable, and the record will show that we struck them.
President Macron said:
This was a reasonable and measured response designed to produce a specific effect.
While President Trump added:
HOLE IN ONE!
I’d like to see Obama have authorised such a beautiful strike! I criticised him and Bush, but now I’m in charge, I see why they like exploding stuff so much. Feels good!
I’m coming for my Twitter opponents next. This means you, Resistance46. You thought your 320 followers would protect you. MISTAKE!
Indecisions
Trump was also asked if the West would be intervening in other matters – say the genocide in Myanmar or the murder of Palestinians in Gaza. He responded:
Maybe. But I worry planning ahead limits my ability to do whatever seems fine in the moment.
The President then proceeded to spend 45 minutes explaining why mayonnaise is ‘communist’, before exiting the room via a broom cupboard.
When his aides checked on him five minutes later, he was found asleep – standing bolt-upright by the mop buckets.
Asked if they were worried by the President’s strange behaviour, May and Macron agreed:
Only when he isn’t bombing somebody.
BREAKING: New study reveals Boris Johnson is ‘literally a bag of gas’
A new study has revealed that British foreign secretary Boris Johnson is “literally a bag of gas”.
Independent research group Studies”R”Us conducted the study. On why they chose to focus on the foreign secretary, head of investigations Robert Peterson said:
We decided to investigate Boris because of the sheer level of utter bollocks that he’s spoken over the years. It raised the alarm.
Peterson then revealed the group’s discovery:
We found that, if you zoom in when he speaks, you can actually see the exact moment he thinks of a normal word but then decides to change it for another that absolutely no one has ever heard. Combine this with his continued inability to refrain from making things up and actually saying them in public, and repeated instances of chauvinism, bigotry, racism, and classism and the results were frankly irrefutable: Boris Johnson is actually made entirely of gas.
Track record
Studies”R”Us is, of course, well known for similar work in the past.
Among its list of notable studies, it revealed that:
- Former Conservative leader Michael Howard was actually a long-tailed vampire bat the whole time.
- William Hague is made entirely of fudge.
- Tony Blair is in fact Skeletor from He-man.
Proceed with caution
Following on from the shocking but not entirely surprising revelation on Boris Johnson, Peterson continued:
We aren’t quite sure yet what type of gas Boris is made from, but we have an idea that it’s probably highly volatile. We warn anyone who happens to find themselves within a 200-metre radius of him not to light any flame or conduct any scientific experiments. He may be inflammable and, if so, such a reaction could level the entire City of Westminster.
Responding to Off The Perch’s request for comment, the foreign secretary said:
This is nothing more than a voluminous expanse of hot air. The hoi polloi will be cognisant of this attempt at contumelious character assassination. Excuse me, but now I must go and discuss more humanitarian bomb-dropping with my right honourable friends.
Government ‘accidentally’ targeted citizens, ignored their pleas, then deported them
Be honest, we’ve all been there.
You’re just minding your own business – getting on with things – when suddenly you’ve targeted a UK citizen, ignored their months of protests, physically put them on a boat, and sailed them away to a foreign country.
Everyone does it, right?
So why not give the home office some slack on this whole Windrush affair?
Ruddy people
Amber Rudd – the home secretary – told journalists:
Look – you can’t expect the home office to keep track of who is or isn’t a UK citizen.
An assistant rushed up to Rudd at this point and whispered something in her ear. The home secretary went noticeably grey as she listened.
“Ah,” she continued. “So it turns out it is our job to keep track of that.”
“And you’re sure we can’t just deport the non-white ones?” she asked her assistant.
The assistant shook her head.
“Well I must say, this will certainly make things a lot more difficult,” she responded.
All together
It’s important to remember that the many people dicked about by the home office are just that – they’re people.
This should be an unnecessary thing to point out, but the government doesn’t seem to think so.
NOTE: THE GOVERNMENT CURRENTLY STILL ISN’T SURE IF IT DEPORTED ANYONE FROM THE WINDRUSH GENERATION. WHICH MAY ACTUALLY BE WORSE IF ANYTHING. WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY DOING OVER THERE AT THE HOME OFFICE?
Morrissey struggles to find recruits for his vegan white power party
In the 1980s, Morrissey wrote songs with a lyrical grace and sensitivity that were in stark contrast to the binary machismo of rock’s past.
In the 2010s, Morrissey writes tweets with the compassion of a nail bomb and the wit of a whoopee cushion.
As such, the far right were quick to jump on his anti-PC shtick. They’ve been less quick to join his new political party, however. As it turns out his beliefs don’t entirely sync up.
This charming man
Morrissey’s new party is called Morrissey First!. Its aims are to further the beliefs of Morrissey and anyone who agrees with him.
The singer gathered potential members to hear the party’s mission statement:
The main aim of the party will be to send them back. But when I say them, who exactly do I mean?
Someone in attendance raised their hand to answer, leading to a swift castigation from Morrissey:
“Drop your fat fingers and leave, you showboating wretch!” he screamed at the confused man.
“It just makes me so angry!” Morrissey continued, as he caressed an egg he’d liberated from a nearby Tesco. “But anyway, when I say them, I am of course talking about Muslims!”
There were cheers in the crowd.
And anyone who poisons their body with the murderous flesh of animals!
The applause died down somewhat.
And anyone who’s against the exchange of bodily fluids between consenting adults!
The reverie from the right-wingers stopped completely when they realised this could condone gay stuff.
Panic
Eventually, the followers left were:
- Anti-people.
- Pro-animals.
- Anti-PC.
- Pro-pansexual.
- Anti-fake news.
- Pro-believing any old shit they read on Facebook.
After the crowd was whittled down, Morrissey asked them what their favourite song of his was. When one person said Hand in Glove, a furious Morrissey chucked a daffodil at her and screamed:
Solo material only!
He then wept openly for 45 minutes while attempting to breastfeed the egg he’d liberated.
“Why won’t it suckle!?” he shouted at the remaining members of Morrissey First! “It’s because of you! You beasts! You’ve killed him with your horribleness!”
After accidentally cracking the egg, Morrissey harangued the group’s remaining members until they fled in terror.
As bad as it was though, Morrissey First! is still expected to outperform UKIP in the local elections.
Capitalism increasingly unpopular with people who have f*ck-all capital
The Oxford English Dictionary defines capitalism as:
An economic and political system in which a country’s trade and industry are controlled by private owners for profit, rather than by the state.
The problem in 2018 is that the thing private owners most commonly possess is “fuck all”. This means capitalism is a system in which trade and industry are owned by that Sports Direct arsehole and a handful of hereditary land barons.
Which is ironic, as many of those hereditary land barons are Conservative MPs – meaning capital is controlled by the state.
What do we want?
Tyrone Inequalitybank is one of the UK’s many new centrist hopefuls. Speaking at a rally outside a Sainsbury’s, Inequalitybank said:
Capitalism, yeah?
He then proceeded to grin and raise his hands up – expecting spontaneous applause to break out.
When the cheers were unforthcoming, a confused Inequalitybank asked:
What’s the matter? Don’t you people like capital?
“We don’t own any capital,” someone responded. “Although I do have quite a lot of debt. Is that the same thing?”
A disgusted looking Inequalitybank shook his head.
“I own these fish fingers,” another customer contributed.
“But not for long,” she added mournfully.
Capitalism isn’t working
Capitalists weren’t wrong in thinking greed is a motivator. They’re just wrong in thinking it’s the only motivator. Or that it has any real longevity.
Real life isn’t like a game of Hungry, Hungry Hippos: not everyone has an equal shot at gobbling the wealth. In reality, some hippos are larger to start with, and it’s the biggest ones that grow bigger – never becoming full – and never becoming satisfied.
This is a problem, because the world is running out of things to devour. And when it’s all gone, either the big hippo will eat the little ones, or the little ones will eat the giant.
Either way though – someone’s gonna get gobbled.
Journos respond to claim they’re governed by cultish, private school ideology
Many of the UK’s leading journalists went to Oxbridge, or had a non-comprehensive education. This is in contrast to the rest of the UK, who didn’t have that.
If you question why this gross imbalance persists, however, you’ll be greeted by a definitely-not-cultish cadre of journos who insist:
WE’RE DEFINITELY NOT A CULT.
Nothing to see here
Most people looking at the disproportionate number of privately-educated people in the media ask:
Hold on, what have we here?
Much of the media doesn’t see a problem, though. Which is itself a problem, as it’s the media’s job to look at things and ask:
Hold on, what have we here?
And the fact they refuse to question their own house makes people wonder:
What else aren’t they asking?
And then accusations of cult-like thinking come into play, because claiming the British media is the one institution free from issue is the only thing uniting journos across the industry.
Reverse classism
In an attempt to distract from these accusations, Lord Thoroughbred of The Daily Monocle said:
It’s funny – I tell you it’s jolly funny! These jealous oiks point out the disparity in the media, but they never point it out anywhere else!
Where is the outrage that Lidl employs 0% of the aristocracy? Why aren’t protesters gathering to complain KFC won’t give jobs to royals? Who will point out that no bin men whatsoever went to Eton?
Lord Thoroughbred was widely criticised on social media for this. Which is just wrong, as it’s the media’s job to ask questions – not themselves be asked. Unless the question is:
What’s with all these Oxbridge, millionaire editors, then?
Because no-one should ask that question, got it?
Thoroughbred reasoned he was correct to make the point anyway. Largely, because everyone he knows in real life is in the same social, political, and economic bracket as him, and they agreed:
IT’S GOOD THAT WE ALL THINK THE SAME THING.
The ‘Go-Home Office’ repurposes ‘racist’ vans following a week of bad publicity
The prime minister may be terrible, but she does at least see her ideas through to their inevitable and farcical ends.
One such disaster was the ‘racist’ GO HOME vans. A disaster that was on everyone’s minds this week. Namely as another of May’s ‘racist’ policies resulted in targeted harassment of the legally British Windrush generation.
Woman with vans
Despite previous failures, May has asserted that:
You simply cannot beat the warm, human touch of a van.
May wanted to speak to the victims of Grenfell tower via the medium of vans. The traffic was too bad though because of all the fire engines and displaced people.
In the end, she was forced to do the next best thing – stand very far away from residents and surround herself with emergency service workers.
The new vans are driving around helping people confirm their right to exist. As Prince Charles recently told a Manchester woman, some people just ‘don’t look British’. Black and minority ethnic people have only been living in the UK for a few centuries, after all, and it’s only right we expect them to prove their Britishness on demand.
Some people don’t believe the vans are here to help however. One resident told Off The Perch:
I saw in the back when they had the doors open. There were nets in there. I don’t think they’re to help with paperwork.
The ‘go-home secretary’
When it was revealed that the Home Office is literally snatching people as part of its ‘hostile environment’ programme, the many politicians who voted for this policy claimed to be “shocked”. May has also claimed to be “very sorry”.
We’re not sure if this message represents her true feelings, however, as she’s yet to inscribe it on a van.
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Featured image via pxhere / Raul Mee – Flickr / US Embassy France / screenshot / Eric BC Lim / WorldSkillsUK – Flickr (image was altered) / Phil King – Flickr / pixabay / YouTube – screengrab / Ian Burt – Flickr (image was altered) / UK Home Office – Wikimedia (image was altered)
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